has my love for you turned into hatred?

i am like so busy can... haiz... from now till 17th feb, i'll only be free on 1st and 5th??? haiz. what's with me? i kind of feel that it is not worth it after all. what got into me in the first place to agree with this kind of hectic stuffs? i now kind of no mood liao loh. piano exam is coming though i still don't exactly know when and i have two untouched and unknown songs which i must master within 2weeks and my scales which are not complete!!! argh! super stressed up and busy.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:35 PM ``

sighs. i have been so tired and quiet lately. quiet not as in not talking but as in keeping everything inside of me. wow. emotional burden loads.
realised just today that i need a lot and i mean A LOT of attention. need to change. but what's the point? i can't. because what attention do i have to start with when no one, other than nic who still talks to me, bothers about me anymore. well, at least this is how i feel.
charlie told me that if he gave me the feeling that he doesn't care, he don't mean it. what's the point? i want and need someone else's care. not exactly his. have been feeling quite emotionless lately. valentine is really coming. not that it affects me but alone? at least someone said something last year. but if i ever find something on valentine's, it definately will have nothing to do with him. bleah. xiao lan cong, your xiao zhu zhu will no longer be. so yar.
after going through so much in january, i guess i'll have to grow up and be different from febuary onwards. be a different me. it's difficult but i will do my best. i promise.
well, at least when i make a promise i do it. not like some people who make empty promises. if you can't do it, then don't promise.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 7:09 PM ``

LoL. long tym since i went out in a grp... haha. nic wen to meet ivan... den i went to meet dem den we meet jun den afta dat meet ash... main thin, mi, nic, jun, ivan took neoprints... LoL. so funi can... all of us were lyk siao... cool loh... hehe... hope to b able to upload de fotos... but sad thin is dat got 2 fotos we draw till veri nice wif mi wo niu... HAHAHA! super funi wif mi goin on wif "w-o n-i-u..." super slowli... hahahaha. had fun todae... we said we shld go out more often as a grp... hehe. =P

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 11:36 PM ``

roy sae he bringin me out on valentines... haha. he wan mi die ah... lata got ppl come afta mi sia... but aniwae he's not serious de la... everitym sae dis kinda thins... stupid guy. =P i can scold all i wan here... he'll nv noe...
i don't want to talk anymore le la. he really spoil my mood. not you la roy. someome else. argh! fine. i won't talk to you anymore. how can you like someone and not miss them with your heart? even friends miss each other.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 7:02 PM ``

omg. when i went here my first reaction was to cry. what the hell is wrong with me? i don't know.
someone sent me this msg saying "peter pan once said, think of a happy thought so you can fly... guess what? you make me fly." though it is a stupid message but a part of me actually hopes that you would send me this message. i feel so dumb. like stupidly waiting for something that won't happen.
i hope you won't read this blog even if i told you to do so. if you happen to come across this post, please don't carry on reading.
sometimes i feel so silly. when i re-read my posts, i feel so stupid. really really dumb. how can i scold someone so much and have my friends agreeing that i should not like a certain guy but in the end falling for him... omg. i think the stupid mess is starting again. mark is enough. not another one. but i think the only difference is that no one in a sense disagree to me liking mark. LoL. i feel lost, lonely and numb. so silly. i think this year's valentine will be a cold and lonely one. maybe everyone around me will just be working. i'll spend it at home then. unless someone calls me out. but i don't think anyone would. jj has his gf. my buddy no longer has time for me... *sobs* i don't think he will call. by that time i think his heart would most probably have gone to someone else. someone better than me.
wow. emo. LoL. how emo can i get? i guess worse than this. argh! fine. i really miss you. i think i've really fallen for you... haha. what's the point of saying all these? well... at least i won't regret not ever saying this and when i really lose you at least i can tell myself that i did actually say how i feel. but not to you personally. i don't think i will ever dare. besides, i don't think i will ever get the chance to.
ps. people, just shut up. since when was crying ever a crime? is it wrong for me to cry? *still crying*

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 11:34 PM ``

so funny loh... whether i like him or not i don't know. i am super confused can. argh! what's happening to me? LoL.
he's not really my dream guy... but i kind of do miss him once in a while... sometimes i just hope that he can just spend more time with me... i only think of mark when he doesn't do the things i hope he does. maybe because i am used to being held closely and having much attention... so when i come to think about it, i don't like mark. it's just that i sometimes hope he will do the things that mark did. on the other hand, i don't want to put my heart into this. i don't want history to repeat itself.is like if i really like him, i am just afraid that what happened between me and aric will happen again... i just have this feeling.
aric is back in singapore and as usual i don't know. i told him that it is really over. no point waiting. ever since the incident at orchard, i don't trust him. then this time i will really experience a christmas story... oh... the christmas story is nic's story... hehe.
so yar. i am stuck in this situation. how i am feeling i don't know. but whatever the case is, i don't think he wants to talk to me. maybe i have been given too much that's why i ask so much. on the other hand, action speaks louder than words. if someone really cares, his actions should tell the whole story. one will understand without hearing a single word. if you do things to show that you love someone, even without saying i love you, they will still understand because your actions have spoken for you. so i'll wait till he show some action before i can finally clear the confusion.
all in all, maybe i am weird. but i don't wait to be certain of anything first. my heart can't break again. too many wounds are still unheal. i need someone who can help me to heal the wounds and not break it again.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:27 AM ``

nic, i miss u!!! so sad... dun get to see u... hope the two of us will be together during feb. don't want to be transfered. LoL. it will be boring. dat's besides de case though... main thin, i hate pauline!
it seems like i have been hating many people recently... LoL. who cares. life's getting more complicated.
talked to roy ytd. he's so blah loh... 'i won't say no to a possible relationship'? oh please. why give hope when it is not going to come true? haiz. don't bhb la... think everyone will fall gaga over you? oh my... HELP! the sky's falling. LoL. *ps. ppl hu read dis, don't tell roy. i think he'll kill me.* anyway, roy, if you happen to see this, relax. i'm not all serious though. just feel like suan-ing ppl.
i've not been talking to him for a long time. hope he's fine. made a deal not to think and bother about him already. so this will most probably be the last post about him. he should be fine with his gf. haha.
jun, the blue rose deal is off. i don't want to do that. no one will ever do that de la. it's just a stupid passing deal of a stupid 15 yr old. LoL.
oh yar. when i told him to quit on the 26 dec he told me to give him one month. the deadline is coming. wonder if he remembers and really kept his word. will i be disappointed again?
enough of everyone else... back to me. i think i've changed. never felt so empty until this year. realised that there is more to life than everything else. reality is really tough. i guess soon i'll fall back into fantasy. LoL. when the wounds no longer hurt, i'll be back to face reality. i need to heal everything. everyone whom i was once a toy to, i have decided to forget about revenge. i realised that everything is coming back to me. whatever you peeps have done to me, i'll forget and let go. usually i will hate them but now, forget it. i don't think i have the courage to do what i did before. i don't know why but yar.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 8:51 PM ``

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
don't be such an irritating arsehole. if you think that you are damn popular, sorry. if you think that people wants to go out with you, i think is just because they have too much time to spare and they don't know what to do. don't think too highly of yourself. face it. your hair sucks. you are fat and no one wants to be with you. who wants to spend valentines with you? what makes you think that i will be without a date on that day? don't be stupid.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:16 PM ``

nic's comfortably lyin on my bed sleepin... lyk wat de... pig sia... not slp den is eat... haiz.
nic said wat i said is true... lyk wen did de thins i sae turn out not to be true? here's de conversation.
me: y izzit dat ppl hu r _____ (cant rmb wat's de word) oso hv bf but we dun?
*pause fer awhile* i noe... is cos we too picky...
nic: is u picky not mi...
me: *points to some guy* if he lyks u will u lyk him?
nic: erm... hur hur hur
me: see... so u r picky...
it goes on n on n on...
so yar... im still wonderin y r we single... haiz. hu cares... i dun but mayb... oh! nic saes she dun care. LALALA

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 1:21 PM ``

it seems lyk dis yr has started frm de wrong side... is lyk everithin is upside-down. i used to not bother bout relationships and stuffs but dis yr i seem to be so emo... haiz... i guess it's enuf fer mi... all r kinda too much fer mi to handle. so mani probs in my life... i reali dunno wat to do... mayb is cos of all de probs dat im thinkin of all these. i think i jus nid sum1 to b dere 24/7 fer mi... kinda impossible though... haiz. kinda wish dat jj has time fer mi ta listen ta mi complain... but mayb i can scream at him wen i get my results... wonder if he will reali come cos if he does, it will b a miracle? =x oops. sori. =P hehe.
i think i nid a break frm all dese? i guess my prince is jus not here yet... wateva. instead of thinkin bout all dese i beta think of how to solve my probs 1st... dun wanna b trapped in all dese n b so unhapi... cny is comin... reunion n stuffs... how can i not b glad? oh ya... glenn looks super funi wif his hair so short... wen i saw him ytd i almost laugh... n wen he said bye to mi wen i was eatin, i could onli lyk wave de other 3 fingers of my hand... lyk so funi can... LoL.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:00 PM ``

it feels so weird... i think it's because of the rain... i don't know for sure though... it seems like i really miss you. sometimes i really hope you will call me and then i will be able to tell you what is actually going on. if only you are here beside me. i will be able to cope with anything. i need a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and a person who cares. in the past you used to call every saturday and when i say i am at my grandma's place you would insist on coming down just to see me and then head for church. still remember i would use to ask you not to be crazy as all my family members are here. and you would just say 'i only want to see you. i miss you what.' you also used to ask me to just spare you one day a week and when i say no you would always ask me if i am really that busy. finally i know how you feel. even if it's one minute of your time, i am willing. just anything so that i can be beside you again... to hear the words i miss you... it seems like i lost myself. all i think of is regrets of not telling you how i felt earlier. all the times we had before. but now, there's this person who is the total opposite of you. he say things but yet not show it, says things but not do them, says things but not mean them. it kind of reminded me of you. sometimes i want to tell him so much that i don't need him to sweet talk but to show how he really feel and to touch my heart using his sincerity. am i really asking too much of a person? to just have time for me. i mean if he is really so busy that he can't even afford a good rest, why is it that he has the time to go clubbing? why can't he use the time for clubbing to rest? is clubbing really more important than everything else? maybe when i told him to give up, he really gave up on the spot. maybe that's the real reason why he can't be bothered with me but not because he is busy. but if he was really able to give up straight away, then he must really not be serious. to be able to forget someone who means alot to you instantly, how can one be serious about that person? haiz. i really give up. whatever he wants to do is no longer my problem already.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 1:07 AM ``

lalala... life's boring. school's tough... i hate jc life... it's really not for me. this really confirm my decision of not going to jc. i will definately go poly liao loh... is like jc is all about gp... and even first lecture only then i cannot catch up le... i mean math is ok but physics is like oh my goodness... dots loh. didnt know that i will end up not liking physics.
haiz. where are you when i need you? i guess i know how he felt. i think he's not angry with me because of anything but because i was not there when he was undergoing something that was too much for him to handle. so yar. i dont think i'll bother talking to you anymore since you are so busy.
you are like so whatever loh. when you are happy you will just find me but other times you like just dont bother. i hate being people's toy. i am someone who needs TLC and attention!? i am not a robot. if you think that i am too much for you to handle then why even bother knowing me in the first place? i hate being alone and you are leaving me alone? is not like you dont know that fact but yet you are doing it? what was i thinking when i said i will give you a chance?

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 4:13 PM ``

todae is lyk so weird... i wen xin's hse... had fun... did thins dat i wun do at hm... is lyk dey eat n tok n can rest leg on de table de loh... can tel dat deir family reali bond de loh... tok alot durin dinner n stuff... lyk veri fun... nth to sae le la...

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 11:56 PM ``

i was shocked wen i read my previous posts... it's amazing how i can lyk someone almost instantly and not lyk de same person also almost instantly.
it took mi a long tym before i found out dat i lyk him... on de 6 dec, afta de call, i took less than a week to forget him... it's weird... so weird...
oh ya... im startin to feel dat he's reali a jerk. i did feel bad at 1st but now not reali. he's oso not toking to me... so wat's de diff??? he doesnt feel anithin... to think dat de smses would cause at least a lil impact. wow. mayb he's reali not serious. i think i just fell for another idiot's trick. i think it'll be a long time before i reali trust another guy's word again. things like "i love you", "i'll wait", "i miss you", "i cant do without you", etc... who will fall for these? it's impossible for any gal to believe those words rite? or mayb not... but even actions lie. de guys might b nice in front of u but hu noes wat dey r doin behind ur back?
aniwae, haven seen cute guys in SA though... haiz... so much for de cute guys stuff... how to pass 2 plus more mths dere??? =x

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:40 PM ``

i really don't know what spurred me to do what i did yesterday. i thought of it through the whole night. it seems like i was unable to find out an answer. all i realised was that even if he were to change totally, i will still not like him. it's too difficult to like a perfect person. maybe i have been living in fantasy for too long a time. i guess it's time to step out of my dreams and start facing reality. but before that, i think i still have many problems to solve.
i really don't know what to do now. all i can do is to occupy my mind with something else. i think today will be a very packed day for me.
if things had to turn out this way, i rather take back everything. turn the clock around and make sure that none of these had happened. but i can't. well, now all i can do is to regret again. i think things had never been so serious till this morning. the nightmare was horrible. i dreamt that he quoted words from this blog and just told me off. in respond to everything he said, all i did was to walk off, catch a movie and ate ice-cream. maybe i did cheer up after that but i don't know. i woke up in tears after seeing the ice-cream. i guess i was too stunned. i didn't expect this to happen. all i wanted was for you to give up but now i guess i no longer want anything. or rather, i can't have anything. this wasn't the result i had in mind. i thought you weren't serious. now i guess i have nothing to say except to hope that time will really heal everything.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:05 AM ``

have i made another mistake? i feel so wrong. something is just telling me that it is just not right. after the other incident, i no longer want to regret. but i think i just started regretting. i don't want things to happen this way but if i gave you too much hope then in the end it will still be like that won't it? maybe i should have kept everything from you? maybe i should have left everything the way it was? i don't know now. i am so confused. rose said that i am not heartless. if only i have the courage to say everything out. if i had said them earlier, things wouldn't turn out this way would it?
i don't want to do all these. really. but if i drag it longer, i really don't know what will be of the consequences. i did miss you. for a while. after you told me to leave you to settle your stuffs, i felt thought about it and felt that it was really useless because why should i miss someone who is always not there? absence makes the heart fonder? maybe it's true. but in this case your absence made me think through many things and i realised that we are really too far apart. in my past entries, it can also be seen. a part of me really hope that you will change but somehow or other, even if you change, i won't be able to like you because by then you will be changing because i don't like it but not because you think you should change.
i feel so weird. it's not like me to turn someone down like that. i just feel that you are not serious about me. you don't bother to take the initiative to find out things. seriously, how much do you know about me? also, i know nothing about you. how can i like someone i know nothing of? i just want to start this year differently. hui xin told me that i shouldn't mess with guys. at first i didn't take it seriously but now i think that it's really time for me to be serious about these kind of things. relationships will be on a different level for me. i will no longer play. this i will promise.
however, if anyone hurts me, i will still take my revenge. i am tired of being toyed with. i want security. i want someone's shoulder to lean on. people are always telling me when you need me i'll be there for you but how many of them are really there for me? don't say i like you for nothing. when you say it, i expect you to be responsible for your words. and stop liking me for no reason. if you just like me because you like me, then why don't you like someone else who can be found on the street? even liking me for me is also a reason. so if you can like me for no reason, i suggest you like someone else. i need security and tlc. not some nonsense sweet talking. also, not all my words are serious. i mean who will really mean it seriously and say yar get me something for my birthday. obviously i will say don't get me anything. don't be silly enough to when a girl says don't get me anything and you really not get her anything.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:34 PM ``

great. im going to be 17... wow. sarcasm.
well, this is a boring year i guess. for a start, i have my first 3 months in sajc... kind of a good start... but still kind of regretted picking somewhere that far. hope its worth it.
this year, i guess everything will start anew. it's time for me to change. change for the better. not because anyone asks me to but because i want to. i want to be better than who i was in 2006.

my decision will be decided on the 25th of this month. whether or not i give you any chances will depend on what you do. to be clear, i dislike you to smoke, fight, act, talk big, not bother about me, regarding soccer as a more important thing, not mean what you say, not be serious about things, lie, think that i am naïve, leaving me alone, gambling that much, never taking the initiative and not knowing anything about romance. practically almost everything. you will have to undergo a total 360˚ change. so it's kind of impossible because if you change totally then you will not be you and unless you change because you felt there is a need to change, i won't be liking you for who you are. what's the point then?

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 4:25 PM ``