has my love for you turned into hatred?

is there another resturcturing? what just happened? why do i have to account to zj? why is cindy so cold? i don't want to tell zj. but i must. i don't know. i feel so sad. like why God. You know i can't take this kind of sudden changes. further more, i am not close to zj. i don't feel like doing anything. i don't want to go back. why can't i have a shepherd for long? i miss ting ting. = (

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 8:18 PM ``

many things are running through my mind... too many... can't think. anyway, im envious and all... i just feel like crying... and guess what? i am... argh! what's with all the emotions? i don't know. i should just shut la. i hate this messed up life. enough of everything. i hate it.

anyway, apart from the crying and emoing and stuffs, i can't wait for valentine next year... i want to go on the feris wheel... LALALA... anyway, i will not go on valentine though... i will go on white valentines... hehe. =P provided if i have a bofriend, if not i will be going on valentines with my darlings... hehe. =D anyway, miscom... if i have a boyfriend, i will go for 2 rides... with my darlings on valentines and with my boyfriend on white valentines??? haha. OMG. i think i am dreaming again. like look at me... who will want me? = ( i think i will like be there rotting on the shelf like 10years and my darlings will be happily attached... by then i think they will have to support me for the rest of my life... =P u ppl beta support me! muahahahaha.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:38 PM ``

*smiles* had time to think about everything through... haha. bleah. ok here goes.

well, as things go, i realised some things. people have good intentions but sometimes, the good intentions will cause unpredictable changes around to happen. these changes cannot be avoided. the good intentions were there to prepare everyone for what is to happen. at times, we only see what is going on on the surface and we will never know what is going on on the inside until someone tells us of it. well, i guess sometimes people just don't expect one to be so different on the outside as compared to who they really are on the inside. i don't expect anything anymore. i hold nothing anymore. like i said before and i am going to repeat it again. i am one of no second chance. never been able to change this point as there is no one whom i feel that can make me change and give them a second chance. maybe when the person comes around, i will let you you guys know. haha.

well, i'll forget about everything. though i have moved on, but a little piece of me is still there. i didn't plan to get it back because i thought there might just be a slight possibility. but now, i will get that back as i know that the odds of it coming true is zero? oh well. what can i say? i am the one who pushed him away and now i want him back? ha. who am i kidding? well, if i am going to say that, i think no one will believe me. =P so yar. things will just be like that. i will just get it back and carry on from there. if what i hope for come true, then well, maybe i will give a second chance? i don't know. we will see about it. let's see how la k? XD

anyway, love you guys loads. don't say it's your fault and stuffs because it was with a good intention. is just that some people look at things differently and some people are not able to adapt to shock and some are just pure fickle. so yar. XD i'm fine. really. XD *hugs* *loves*

mood song: when you are gone...
oops. that seems to contradict everything i say right? nevermind. i just feel like listening to that. =P

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 11:26 AM ``

omg! let's see how far this goes. sorry. the wrong girl. i change. just came to know me at the wrong time. too bad. awwww. what can i say? nevermind. when you get into army... LOL. i will never say sorry. this is to pay back for EVERYTHING. even though you are really that "poor thing" as everyone says, but still, it's not me who you are to blame. it's yourself. i am not your toy puppet doll. XD too bad.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 3:07 PM ``

i cannot have someone calling me every now and then. really loh. i mean in the morning at 05:56:24, then lunch break at 13:17:35 and evening at 19:15:43... please la. argh. omg. where are you when i need you? wah!!! amd guess what eugene said: ask jiawei to help you loh... like yar! i REALLY want. can meh? he also like don't talk to me... that pig! bleah.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 7:16 PM ``

I HAD IT. THAT IS REALLY REALLY REALLY IT! I REALLY CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE! PLEASE LA. LET GO! SHUT UP LOH. I REALLY REACH MY BOILING POINT LIAO LOH. THAT IS REALLY IT LA. IGNTS!!!

aniwae, now in library... blah... rose is goin onwif de lame lamp or lamb stuff... lalala. all the cold jokes... =x

ok... enough of that le la... bck to the main thing... yar...
i am so single. that is it. i don't care. kind of miss you now... sobs. like how often do i see you? even though... haha. people change... so do i... LOLOL. i just cannot stand it le loh. as in what am i to do? say it directly? really? like for what right? the cong is not in anymore. get over it. i am no longer that xiao zhu zhu you know. period. really la. i just don't know what to say or what to do le. i am just letting myself drift along... like i said. i am back. so dawn, nic, you guys should know what i lve doing right? revenge is here? i will make him pay. and anyway, dawn, i won't bother about the rest but if i can't get him, no one can. get it? that's it. and when i keep quiet itdoesn't mean i don't have any reaction. it just means that i cannot be bothered.
same goes like when everyone's world is filled with angels and i am only with my shinigami. XD I REALLY CANNOT STAND IT!

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 2:12 PM ``

i had it le la... people change. so do i. it's an -ed. not -ing. and i need my life. don't self-prolaim everything. argh! SAA... agree??? lalala. dawn say to focus on my main mission (or whatever the word is?)... haha. didn't i say i'm back? the old me is different. that's it. everything is so whatever. that is how i am. face it. the hints are obvious. shut la. stop it. rah!

i finally understand what it means by "you will never treasure what you have until you lost it." ... WOW. what a long time i took... haha. XD

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:23 AM ``

OMG! I THINK HE ADDED ME!!! WHAT THE... PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT HAPPENING! RAH! tell me it's not xiao lan cong... why does he bother to remember? argh! but it's all assumptions... im not sure about who that person is though... didn't get the chance to ask... hope it's not him though... just got out of it... i mean with his gf and his army... and stuffs... the time for me? to get back in when i just got out? not again. i don't want to miss you anymore. it's tiring...

heck. whatever. enough about the xiao lan cong. ok... nic's like floating when he called her... it's not an -ed but a -s... it's true... im right! XD just face it... enough of the communication problems and stuffs... it's so obvious that you like him la... bleah =P

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:03 AM ``

i'm so... what's with guys and all? shut up! i think we are better off without you guys. haha. right nic? haha. it's his loss not mine. anyway, it will be a long time before i get involved in a relationship. commitment? rather not. hate being tied down. so whatever. haha. now i FINALLY know the reason for everything that happened. as in 2 years ago till now... muhahaha. how clever can i get? BLEAH =P

i am back to the old me already! welcome me back! quick! argh!!!!!!!! hahahaha. the real story starts now. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! haha. LOVE all who are here for me! *MUACKZ* *HUGS*

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 3:31 PM ``

............../´¯/)...........(\¯`\..........
............/....//..............\\....\...........
.........../....//................\\....\.............
...../´¯/..../´¯\.........../¯`\....\¯`\..........
.././.../..../..../._......_.\....\....\...\.\.......
(.(....(....(..../.)..)..(..(.\....)....)....)..).......
.\................\/.../....\...\/................/
..\................. /........\................../

haha... interesting??? got it in class... =P thx to enkai... hehe. decided to share wif everi1... bleah. though it is not ladylike to do it, but just sharing...

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 2:11 PM ``

had a long talk last night... haha... nic, dawn n i... love them... we were talking about them... haha. i understand darling... i know what you are trying to say... i understand... maybe i should really give up... but the thing is that i don't know la... i think i should just leave it there first... if he really likes this girl in his class and he does not want to tell me then ok loh... but i really don't think that what nic and steph say is true... though i hope so but i don't think so... as in why would he tell me that he likes this girl in his class if what they say is true? to see my reaction? weird. i think generally guys are weird... haha. fact? to me, yes. =P
lalala. i just think that i don't really need to say much about yesterday's conversation? too complicated le... haha. we were talking about too many stuffs. but i think im still stubborn? that's me ba... no competition nothing fun... haha. i think im not only emo but nuts. LOL. are the three of us all in the same boat? haha. we won't know for sure right? dawn, ganbatte... XD nic, i think it's really coming true... XD

reminder: sunday 4 at national libray.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:11 AM ``

OMGOMGOMG! WHAT IF I FAIL MY EXAMS AND TEST AND REPEAT THE MODULES? I DON'T WANT TO REMAIN HERE STUDYING YEAR ONE SEM ONE STUFFS NEXT SEM! WHAT IF I DON'T DO WELL? WHAT IF I REALLY FAIL? I AM NOT STUDYING. EVERYONE IS WORKING SO HARD BUT IT SEEMS THAT I AM STILL SLACKING... SO DUMB CAN. I FEEL SO SCARY AND DUMB. ARGH! HELP ANYONE?

WHAT IF I REALLY FAIL?! WHAT WILL HAPPEN? I DON'T WANT TO RETAKE ANYTHING. I WANT As!!!

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:41 PM ``

he's like giving me the feeling that he likes her... is it true? haiz. i don't really want to think about it... if he says he doesn't then fine... somehow i hope that he still likes me... as in what nic said... haiz. but is like i think what nic hopes for is coming true... but the thing is that i don't think what i hope for is coming true... oh well... nevermind... as long as i know he's there, it's fine... i feel so relax around him... i don't need to pretend... i can be me... maybe what i hope might be true but is just that everything is unsaid... maybe. i don't know. i don't want to bring my hopes up... but well... is like i feel that i want what i hope for to happen but on the other hand i don't. i don't want to repeat that 6 days again... that's why i don't wish what i hope for to come true... but i don't want to be in this alone so ya... argh. why am i so contradicting? *shrugs*

click 'man' and read what i wrote... hehe. cute... LOL!

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:04 AM ``

omg. i hate to bottle everything up. lalala.

fine. i think i might be falling for him. blah. but im going to fight that back. i don't want to be alone in this. it sucks. the feeling really sucks. pardon my language but yar... i know im supposed to focus on something else but yar... now i like things the way it is... being like the old times... is so fun... i think she likes him too... but she should just drop it. she likes him? will she stand a chance? maybe. but then... well... maybe in the future... but now, i doubt.
i wish you are still having the feelings... i don't want to be here alone... lalala. well... i guess it's always like that... i'll be waiting??? maybe... i don't know how long this will be here but i'll do my best to be fine... as long as i can see you and have you around, im fine...
i want to tell you that i really am falling for you but i know that your feelings are no longer there. what can i do? i miss those times but well... i think you will never have those feelings back? haha. i'll fight the feelings... i won't ever let you know. even if you still like me... because i don't ever want to hear you say that we are rushing into things again and everything that happened within the past week to repeat... but a part of me just want to tell you... i kind of hope that you will tell me that you actually still have feelings for me and that when you said that you don't mean what you say, you were lying... but i guess it will never come true... this is all just part of my dream... but i rather stay in my dream, believing that you still do like me... how foolish can i get?

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:46 AM ``

she's tokin to him now!!! haha. so sweet! =P

if only he will call me... lalala

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:29 AM ``

haiz. it always happens. i'm stuck. is like she also think that i do but well... haiz. i can't say anything. as in i think i am but the thing is that it is not possible so why waste the time? well... i think it shall just be hidden... i kind of hope what steph and nic say is true. lalala. argh. i am really confused. well... let time speak... so yar.

oh ya... new news... nic is also kind of in the same situation as me... 'specious' = special and precious??? haha... nic, gd choice la... he's cute... LOL. well... me... haiz.

nic told me why she told me what she said in the past... well, it sounded so 'wow'. as in usually, no one will say that... the natural reaction should be 'oh... she's liddat de ah...' but no one will say that unless they are really determined... so well, maybe it was all just a lie... haiz. i feel like spilling everything out but i am afraid that if the person sees this then what am i to do? well... maybe it will just be kept in my heart until what i hope comes true... maybe he still... but i don't know... whatever it is, things will be kept unsaid... at least on my part... i think i am hoping for something that will not come true... *sighs.*

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:07 AM ``

WOW. super big news. i realised that i never ever liked him. right. sounds fake but yar. emo was cos of... girls stuff la... LOL. wow. how did i realise that? i woke up this morning and i was like what just happened? i though i was supposed to be sad and stuffs as usual but i realised that i forgot everything instantly. then i realise that yar... i didn't even like him. the whole wide world knows that if i like someone i won't give up so easily. well, maybe not the whole wide world but the friends i know. so yar. if i can forget it instantly then i really didn't like him at all. no wonder all the emo stuffs came. haiz. i better tell nic this. aniwae, y m i writing this online? LOL. i just don't want to repeat. so darling, read this post. im free. i am safe. =D i guess there was no need to protect my emotions in the first place. cos there was nth??? =x oops. LALALA. aniwae, it's not my fault that im a gal... n whoever came up wif pms shld b blamed? dotz. -_-'"

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 11:48 AM ``

"Just So You Know by Jesse McCartney"
I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]

'taken from azlyrics'

awww... so sweet... lurf dis... is lyk super nice loh... =P

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:22 AM ``

he's avoiding me. it's so obvious. is this the end of our friendship? just like that?

i rather none of this had happened. if it was because of what was said, i rather everything remained hidden and kept... i want back the times when we are friends. when things were fine. when we were able to talk, laugh and have fun. the times when we were able to stand beside each other and not feel anything amiss. i wish i could turn the clock back and none of these ever happened.
for how long are you going to avoid me? you can choose to ignore everything. but is it going to help? can we settle this once and for all and not leave it dangling? by ignoring this matter, will it help anyone? the problem will still surface later. i can't take it anymore. i just want to settle this issue. i don't want to lose a friend because of this. really. i don't.

sorry. i guess it's all my fault. if you feel that i am giving you pressure then tell me. i really can't read your mind. i won't know how you feel and what's going on until you tell me. i am really trying my best to make things fine but it seems like it is not working. i'm sorry then. i didn't mean to enter your life. i'm sorry.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:49 PM ``

im lost. i don't know what to do anymore. things just worsen day by day. shrugs. the more i think, the more i don't know where things are.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:37 PM ``

im waiting for the day he tells me "i no longer have feelings for you". though he has yet to say that but i just feel that it has already come true. everything really changed. no hugs nothing? it seems like we are not even friends. just acquaintances. if he really has no feelings i rather he tell me soon. i don't want to be the only one in this... these kind of things are not supposed to be one-sided.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:09 AM ``

why must people avoid their feelings? is it wrong to like someone? "Brenda, you are supposed to help me get out of this." is it my fault that you like someone? why can't you face your own feelings and deal with it? "i am not ready." then why do you like her if you are not ready in the first place? a little stupid right. like her then just tell her la. afraid that she likes you? what is the point of liking someone and hoping that they don't like you? pointless. you are not talking sense. affect your prelims? then are you going to forever not be in a relationship? because in the university you will also have exams. so?
why is everyone going "Brenda help me"? then who is going to help me when i have problems? i want everything to go back to how they were before. i feel so dumb now. i don't want to be back to my old self. i want to be who i am now. but yet i can't. argh. hate this feel.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 11:42 PM ``

if someone really likes you, he will change for you...

things changed... i think his feelings faded... he seems cold... maybe i am thinking too much again? i don't know... i guess i never will...

p.s. there is something wrong with the stupid blogger... argh!

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 2:25 PM ``

im fine. haha. some things are better left unsaid.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:11 PM ``

everything hurts. i tried sleeping last night. i really did. but i woke up to something. now everything is really messed up. my wounds hurt, heart hurts and i don't know if whatever i woke up to actually exist or it was just a figure of my imagination. but i think he really wants me to give up. so maybe what made me wake up was just a dream and not true.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 7:13 AM ``

xiao cong, where are you? i need you now. really.

you say you understand but you don't. why are you so afraid that your ex will look for me when i don't care? then are you forever not going to be in another relationship because if you have another girlfriend, your ex will look for her? do you even know and understand what i am going through? i just feel so dead. sorry. i think you really don't get what i am trying to say. but i guess maybe i should just face the truth and let go. sorry.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 1:24 AM ``

i rather be the only one suffering. i want to hear your voice. i want you to be beside me. i want you here. i need you. but if you don't let me walk on my own, i fear that i can never walk on my own without you. i already rely too much on you.
it hurts but i rather you hurt me more. don't be so nice so that i can forget you. i really don't want to but since you don't want me to fall for you then this is what needs to be done. i really don't want this to happen but since this is what you ask for then i rather you hurt me more. i want to get used to everything soon. i want to be around you and feel fine. i want to be fine.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:56 AM ``

am i really to tell you how hurt i am? for how long have i cried? it's dumb. i'm just so dumb. jj says i should just like him and if his ex really finds me, ask him to do something about it. but he also said that even before we are in a relationship i am already like this so i should just let go. he is contradicting himself. jj, you are not helping. but i need you to help me get out. forget it. you broke up as well so fine. handle your problems first.

i am really lost. i kind of expected something like this to happen but yet i still cried. how useless can i get? argh. i hate myself. can't you just end everything? why did you even like me and tell me all that before you ended everything clearly? why give me hope? i'm shocked nic's judgement is wrong. i feel so tired. i want to drift away. i want to escape to a place where i won't have all these things. a place where there is only me and the stars. it feels so weird now. him and i are like so cold towards each other. i shall not use us because there was no US to begin with. all this time it is only a you and i. even though it is an AND, but the US still never existed. everything is just a dream. a dream that i have to awake from. it hurts. i hate being strong but because of you, i have to. i don't want you to feel bad, i don't want to hurt you. i feel so dead. when i close my eyes, i can literally feel myself floating. maybe i am supposed to be alone for the rest of my life. maybe this is my retribution for all the revenge that i have taken. it's ok. by monday i'll be fine. i will just have to bear with it. it will go away. i guess i rushed into things. i shouldn't have fallen for you. im sorry. i really am. if i didn't exist, you might not have broken up with her. then you might not be so hurt now. you might be happier and falling for her. sorry. i shouldn't have come into your life. sorry.

someone take me out of this place. take my hand, take me away and let me never return. i don't want to be hurt again. it's too late for me to forget. i have fallen for you.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 12:15 AM ``

history repeated. as expected.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 10:58 PM ``

it feels so different. somehow i'm falling for him but i am afraid. will i fall again? will he guide me? i feel like asking him to let go. to not be here for me. because i fear that one day when he leaves, i will no longer be able to stand up on my own. i want to tell him how much he means to me and how much it hurts when we argue. but yet, what if it's all a dream? what if it will never be?
i think his opinion of me might change soon. maybe he might realise that there is more to me than what he expected. maybe everything will fade. but if it does, then i think i will be left to fight the feelings i have for him. i don't know how he will react after reading this post but all i know is that if things change, i will have only myself to blame. maybe i opened up too quickly. maybe i fell for him too quickly. i don't know. all i know is that i am trying my best.
maybe i think too much. i think i should just let time do the talking. for now, i just want to dwell in this. but... i still can't help wondering if it will last... will he ever be able to take my hand and walk with me?

oh ya... i did my LMS stuffs... guess what... i am an ISFJ."People of this type tend to be: cautious, gentle, and thoughtful; hesitant until they know people well then affectionate and caring; very literal and aware of the physical world; uncompromising about personal standards and easily offended; diligent and conscientious, organized and decisive." i am definately not easily offended though. OBJECTION!

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 9:34 PM ``

i feel loved. at times it feels so real but yet i wonder if this is just another dream. i don't want to hurt him but at times, the words i say makes me feel that i am hurting him. a lot of things are running through my mind. yet, im ignoring them as i rather dwell in the comfort that i am in.
seriously, sometimes i wonder if everything is for real. it seems unbelievable. not? how long will this last? a year? should i or should i not? nic said something i will not expect her to say. i was shocked. now im really thinking. studies still do come first but... i no longer want someone just to love me and with all the sms and attention but something deeper. yet, im not confident of this. not because of anything he said but i don't know if i have the courage to take that step when it comes around.
somehow, when he's around, im not afraid. i know i can depend on him. but yet... i don't want things to move too quickly. besides, i only know him for 17 days, 2 hours and 45 minutes (according to the time i am writing =P). i like feeling loved but committment? can i really handle that? no one knows what the future holds. anyway, will that day even come? what if just when i already took that step, things turn out to be the opposite of what it is now? then what am i to do? just pretend that im alright when i am actually hurt? i don't want history to repeat itself. maybe i should just let nature take it's course. if it was meant to be that history is to repeat, then what can i do? i can't do anything either. right? what if someone else appears and i lose him then? i don't like the feeling of losing someone i love.
i am lost. so lost. i need someone to guide me out of all my mess. someone who will really take my hand and not let go. though i ask for love but what actually is love? i don't know. will anyone be able to show me what love really means? will i really be able to start anew and pick myself up? can i really get out of the mess that i have made? only time can tell. will i ever be ready? we'll see.

tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At 2:23 AM ``