YThursday, May 03, 2007
i feel loved. at times it feels so real but yet i wonder if this is just another dream. i don't want to hurt him but at times, the words i say makes me feel that i am hurting him. a lot of things are running through my mind. yet, im ignoring them as i rather dwell in the comfort that i am in.
seriously, sometimes i wonder if everything is for real. it seems unbelievable. not? how long will this last? a year? should i or should i not? nic said something i will not expect her to say. i was shocked. now im really thinking. studies still do come first but... i no longer want someone just to love me and with all the sms and attention but something deeper. yet, im not confident of this. not because of anything he said but i don't know if i have the courage to take that step when it comes around.
somehow, when he's around, im not afraid. i know i can depend on him. but yet... i don't want things to move too quickly. besides, i only know him for 17 days, 2 hours and 45 minutes (according to the time i am writing =P). i like feeling loved but committment? can i really handle that? no one knows what the future holds. anyway, will that day even come? what if just when i already took that step, things turn out to be the opposite of what it is now? then what am i to do? just pretend that im alright when i am actually hurt? i don't want history to repeat itself. maybe i should just let nature take it's course. if it was meant to be that history is to repeat, then what can i do? i can't do anything either. right? what if someone else appears and i lose him then? i don't like the feeling of losing someone i love.
i am lost. so lost. i need someone to guide me out of all my mess. someone who will really take my hand and not let go. though i ask for love but what actually is love? i don't know. will anyone be able to show me what love really means? will i really be able to start anew and pick myself up? can i really get out of the mess that i have made? only time can tell. will i ever be ready? we'll see.
tHeSe ScArS wiLL nEvEr hEaL. bLoOd dRiPpEd At