wAiTiN FeR mi sPeCiaL sUmoNe... =P

?!?!?!

2008-08-17T21:45:00.001+08:00

which is crazier?

being upset because you don't want to lose the person you love or being upset because you don't know how to tell the person you love how much you love the person?

LOL.

back to mugging... argh. don't get me started on how i hate exams. LIFELESS!!!

~ ttfn ~
` LoVeS `
じゃね

2008-01-06T17:10:00.000+08:00

i realised something recently... it's amazing how you can like someone and act normally when he has a girlfriend but at the same time desperately making the feelings fade away and hoping that he will never find out because you don't want the current friendship to end like that. wow. what a long sentence. amazing! LOL.

anyway, he told me she liked him since the time we sat together. and that was like kind of after i started liking him. but yet he noticed her even though she is so far away. i am so near but yet it seems so far. i no longer am able to talk to him properly, be near him and so on because i just seem to see her around him and it seems like he doesn't remember the past that we used to have anymore. i feel weird. i still remember the times we had. even though they were short but still... especially the time when we went for dinner. =D we never managed to have the cup of hot chocolate at McCafe together...

now, he is with her. happy or not i really have no idea. but one thing i am sure is that i will never tell him how i feel. i am afraid of the outcome. i don't want to go any further unless i can be sure that if i tell him how i feel the end result is that we will be together... which i think, will not happen. but still, I CAN'T FORGET HIM. pig!

if only...

2007-08-05T21:15:00.000+08:00

since all the memories of him is here, i shall write it here. anyway, can't help but to miss him a little. things are weird. i don't know why i'd miss him. is not like he is perfect or anything. but just miss him.

things i'd really miss? the hugs, the cheering up, his smell? his arms around mine... there to cheer me up when i am sick...

i really miss him. haiz. maybe it was because i didn't meet him and his friends that things turn out this way... i don't know. weird.

LoL.

2007-07-06T18:53:00.000+08:00

hey... i am not in a relationship... haha. many people have been asking me if i am fine (relationship context). of course i'm fine. being single is always problem-free... haha. anyway, i like i have posted, i did mention what kind of a boyfriend i am looking for... LOL. it sounds like i am buying something. HAHA. but anyway, yar. read the post on Sunday 10 june 2007 and you peeps will get what i mean... =P =x

to God

2007-06-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

bring me home. back to you. i don’t want to live without You. You kept me here and didn’t give up. but yet i ignored You. You never let me fall. You are always here. the best and only thing i can ask for is You. thank you. if only i can run to You and give You the tightest hug, i will. i really want You now. let the fire in me burn once again. burn like it has never burn before. burn like how it burnt when i first knew You. when i first love You. i'm sorry for all that i have done. no words can express the feelings i feel right now. i am suddenly so lost. without You i no longer know how to walk. i want to hold You and walk with You now. please let me see the light. let me know what is right and what’s not. i want to come back. i want him to lose. i want to win the war. conquer him. be a light to You. to be Your little princess. i want to give this whole life to You. from now on, i promise that i will live every single second with You. i will no longer neglect You no matter what. let me win this. please. i know i made this promise many times already. but this time, it will really be the last. i will never break it again. promise. i will leave everything behind and live every second with You from now on.

de guy?

2007-06-10T17:45:00.000+08:00

haha. hmmm. with all the nonsense, let's add in some serious stuffs. LoL. okie... how should i start??? fine.

my prince will be someone who:
- is or willing to be a christian
- trusts me
- don't smoke
- is respectful
- loves me for who i am and not who am i
- is observant
- is caring
- dresses appropriately
- is romantic
- means what he says
- share his problems with me
- would be there for me
- is able to show me off to the world
- will prove that he loves me by what he does and not what he say
- will not be affected by what his or my friends say
- will always double confirm things that he hears about me, from others, with me
- keep fit
- gives me space
- knows he can count on me
- is hopefully a cantonese
- will cheer me up
- understand that i have a reason behind everything i do
- be patient
- will call me back even if i hang his call
- can withstand my temper
- practices hygiene and cleaniness *some people don't... weird*
- message or call me at least once a week? *unless i see him most of the time* i need to know im remembered =D

wow. seems like i have a whole lot of criteria. hehe. ok... hmmm. let's talk about me then... what will i do for him???

i will:
- make sure his relationship is a Chrst-centred one.
- want this relationship to be a long-lasting and serious one
- respect his decisions
- not expect the relationship to be perfect
- trust him
- not force him to do things that he don't want to
- be there for him
- face his problems with him
- be understanding
- not be controlling
- let him do whatever he wants, provided it's the right things?
- not neglect him
- do my best to cheer him up
- explain things to him when it is needed
- not doubt him
- not hide him from my family *not like some people i know*
- not ask why is it me of all people
- let him be around girls *they are just his friends. im not like some unreasonable people out there*
- not let him go *sounds good and bad. depending on how you see it =S*
- go out with him even if he's with his friends *sounds weird but i don't like being neglected so too big a group is bad for me = (*
- remind him that he is always remembered =P
-shower him with loads of love = )
- be proud of him =D

see how nice i can be! XD aniwae, it will b a long time before all these come true i guess. look at mi = ( *rotting* *looks into the mirror* *screams loudly* *sees a half rotting corpse* haha. LOL.

100th post!!!

2007-06-10T12:25:00.000+08:00

dis is my 100th post! haha. lame? LoL. aniwae, life's borin now... no one wanna go out wif mi... *sobs* haha.

ok... let's talk bout de ppl ard me... well... recently, jun is sooooo in love wif sum guy in her sch... dawn's still on wif austin n she's goin bangkok. or gone? nic's gonna teack him... eugene is kinda down cos of wat i sae? not sure bout dat but he sure is down cos of her... vonne's feelin sick n i haven got de tym to meet her to see how she is n her schedule... my IAC n LMS is behind tym as ms sng didnt contact enkai n i cant reali b bothered bout LMS though. de huever tutor it is is borin mi in class... LALALA. ningzhi sae she wanna go out wif nic, mi n ros... ros n qg might be... i missed class gathering... yue's back... xin's bz... made a new fren named adrian? not exactly though... i think? jus eugene's fren whom he brought along to watch priates wif nic n i... poa yin was talkin to me bout his fren n cca stuffs cos he was BORED... im lyk de if onli bored den cal to tok kinda fren? T.T haha. nah. im fine wif it though...

ok... dat shld sum up my frenz? not a lot of frenz to tok bout though... haha. now back to me agn! hehe. im so full of me... now let's see... i've been goin on bout my prince thing agn... hmmm... ok. aniwae, i think it's reali true. lyk i've alwaes sae "my prince is somewhere out there..." so i shall just wait. wow. ok... haha. things will come. naturally. if someone really likes me i'll come to know about it... de guy will find a way to tell me... so for now, i shall jus wait. XD

enuf wif de prince stuffs. so now... wat's nxt? i think im gonna spend my holis workin out... i just lost 1 kg in 5 daes! yeah me!!! =D plannin to lose another 2 kg by de tym my holis end... possible? we'll see... = ) nic asks me to shuddup cos she's feelin fat... haiz. she shld jus exercise wif mi... LoL. aniwae my stamina is not dat gd... haha. ok... let's share smth bout mi dat changed... haha. dis post's gonna b long... jus feel lyk bloggin todae... dunno y. =S

well... i've cleared all de messes... but commitment still hv to wait at least a wk? i wanna dish out everithin n ferget de bad stuffs... : )

6 daes thin?

2007-06-09T18:03:00.000+08:00

im over wif de 6 daes n stuffs and everything... aniwae, reali felt bad wen i told de 'sista' bout wat i felt... haiz. lyk kinda dash his hope? reali feel guilty loh... though he said i made him realise thins but is lyk i still feel guilty... haiz. dunno la. lyk shld hv kept it to myself n stuffs... dunno. jus hope he will get her ba... den he wun b so sad. hehe. =P

self-written song

2007-06-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

it feels like eternity since i last saw you... even though i know it's it's just a few hours... i've never thought i'll say this but it seems like it's true... i miss you... i really do...
just hold me close, never let me go. i want that scent around me... i want you so... if only you know how much you mean to me... the signs are blur. i don't know what to do... if only i can get it out of you...
i love you. i hope you feel the same. i need you. i hope you'll say that now. i want you. i hope you'll ask me soon... just say the word and i'll say yes...
you never know how you made me feel... deep down inside i hope everything is true... it feels so nice to be... to be there beside you... it feels so right just how it is...

lyrics to a song that is running through my head... haha. composer? yours faithfully... LOL. out of point... not?

exams over!

2007-06-08T00:12:00.000+08:00

yeah! exams are over!!! muahahahahaha. anyway, nic came out with some rubbish again... she said 2 mth... ok loh... then you will know that i am right and it will be a 9 out of 10... hehe. =P don't be nuts. i am not that good. who will want me? you mean stand where matters ah? then if i change place with you that means what? i like him? don't lame can? haiz. i'm right la. just accept it. and i am not living in denial... aiyah. like who will want me right... i'm fat and ugly... = ( anyway, main point: I WILL PROVE YOU WRONG AND SHOW YOU THAT I AM RIGHT! XD

let go...

2007-06-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

it's time i let go... really. it hurts more to be so close and yet knowing that i can never have you. anyway, i realised just today not long ago that everything in my blog came true. it really was never meant to be and it will be and it is? i am just worth 6 days... haha. anyway, ganbatte with your angel. she's a much better girl... XD anyway you like her so much... haha. wait. or is it love? hmmm. haha. when they are together i hope he will tell me... i'll move on... XD

what happened?

2007-05-31T20:18:00.001+08:00

is there another resturcturing? what just happened? why do i have to account to zj? why is cindy so cold? i don't want to tell zj. but i must. i don't know. i feel so sad. like why God. You know i can't take this kind of sudden changes. further more, i am not close to zj. i don't feel like doing anything. i don't want to go back. why can't i have a shepherd for long? i miss ting ting. = (

emo?

2007-05-29T22:38:00.000+08:00

many things are running through my mind... too many... can't think. anyway, im envious and all... i just feel like crying... and guess what? i am... argh! what's with all the emotions? i don't know. i should just shut la. i hate this messed up life. enough of everything. i hate it.

anyway, apart from the crying and emoing and stuffs, i can't wait for valentine next year... i want to go on the feris wheel... LALALA... anyway, i will not go on valentine though... i will go on white valentines... hehe. =P provided if i have a bofriend, if not i will be going on valentines with my darlings... hehe. =D anyway, miscom... if i have a boyfriend, i will go for 2 rides... with my darlings on valentines and with my boyfriend on white valentines??? haha. OMG. i think i am dreaming again. like look at me... who will want me? = ( i think i will like be there rotting on the shelf like 10years and my darlings will be happily attached... by then i think they will have to support me for the rest of my life... =P u ppl beta support me! muahahahaha.

XD

2007-05-26T11:26:00.001+08:00

*smiles* had time to think about everything through... haha. bleah. ok here goes.

well, as things go, i realised some things. people have good intentions but sometimes, the good intentions will cause unpredictable changes around to happen. these changes cannot be avoided. the good intentions were there to prepare everyone for what is to happen. at times, we only see what is going on on the surface and we will never know what is going on on the inside until someone tells us of it. well, i guess sometimes people just don't expect one to be so different on the outside as compared to who they really are on the inside. i don't expect anything anymore. i hold nothing anymore. like i said before and i am going to repeat it again. i am one of no second chance. never been able to change this point as there is no one whom i feel that can make me change and give them a second chance. maybe when the person comes around, i will let you you guys know. haha.

well, i'll forget about everything. though i have moved on, but a little piece of me is still there. i didn't plan to get it back because i thought there might just be a slight possibility. but now, i will get that back as i know that the odds of it coming true is zero? oh well. what can i say? i am the one who pushed him away and now i want him back? ha. who am i kidding? well, if i am going to say that, i think no one will believe me. =P so yar. things will just be like that. i will just get it back and carry on from there. if what i hope for come true, then well, maybe i will give a second chance? i don't know. we will see about it. let's see how la k? XD

anyway, love you guys loads. don't say it's your fault and stuffs because it was with a good intention. is just that some people look at things differently and some people are not able to adapt to shock and some are just pure fickle. so yar. XD i'm fine. really. XD *hugs* *loves*

mood song: when you are gone...
oops. that seems to contradict everything i say right? nevermind. i just feel like listening to that. =P

i am so relaxed...

2007-05-25T15:07:00.000+08:00

omg! let's see how far this goes. sorry. the wrong girl. i change. just came to know me at the wrong time. too bad. awwww. what can i say? nevermind. when you get into army... LOL. i will never say sorry. this is to pay back for EVERYTHING. even though you are really that "poor thing" as everyone says, but still, it's not me who you are to blame. it's yourself. i am not your toy puppet doll. XD too bad.

RAH!

2007-05-22T19:16:00.000+08:00

i cannot have someone calling me every now and then. really loh. i mean in the morning at 05:56:24, then lunch break at 13:17:35 and evening at 19:15:43... please la. argh. omg. where are you when i need you? wah!!! amd guess what eugene said: ask jiawei to help you loh... like yar! i REALLY want. can meh? he also like don't talk to me... that pig! bleah.

THAT IS REALLY IT!

2007-05-22T14:12:00.000+08:00

I HAD IT. THAT IS REALLY REALLY REALLY IT! I REALLY CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE! PLEASE LA. LET GO! SHUT UP LOH. I REALLY REACH MY BOILING POINT LIAO LOH. THAT IS REALLY IT LA. IGNTS!!!

aniwae, now in library... blah... rose is goin onwif de lame lamp or lamb stuff... lalala. all the cold jokes... =x

ok... enough of that le la... bck to the main thing... yar...
i am so single. that is it. i don't care. kind of miss you now... sobs. like how often do i see you? even though... haha. people change... so do i... LOLOL. i just cannot stand it le loh. as in what am i to do? say it directly? really? like for what right? the cong is not in anymore. get over it. i am no longer that xiao zhu zhu you know. period. really la. i just don't know what to say or what to do le. i am just letting myself drift along... like i said. i am back. so dawn, nic, you guys should know what i lve doing right? revenge is here? i will make him pay. and anyway, dawn, i won't bother about the rest but if i can't get him, no one can. get it? that's it. and when i keep quiet itdoesn't mean i don't have any reaction. it just means that i cannot be bothered.
same goes like when everyone's world is filled with angels and i am only with my shinigami. XD I REALLY CANNOT STAND IT!

get out!

2007-05-22T10:23:00.000+08:00

i had it le la... people change. so do i. it's an -ed. not -ing. and i need my life. don't self-prolaim everything. argh! SAA... agree??? lalala. dawn say to focus on my main mission (or whatever the word is?)... haha. didn't i say i'm back? the old me is different. that's it. everything is so whatever. that is how i am. face it. the hints are obvious. shut la. stop it. rah!

i finally understand what it means by "you will never treasure what you have until you lost it." ... WOW. what a long time i took... haha. XD

omgomgomg!!!

2007-05-21T09:03:00.000+08:00

OMG! I THINK HE ADDED ME!!! WHAT THE... PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT HAPPENING! RAH! tell me it's not xiao lan cong... why does he bother to remember? argh! but it's all assumptions... im not sure about who that person is though... didn't get the chance to ask... hope it's not him though... just got out of it... i mean with his gf and his army... and stuffs... the time for me? to get back in when i just got out? not again. i don't want to miss you anymore. it's tiring...

heck. whatever. enough about the xiao lan cong. ok... nic's like floating when he called her... it's not an -ed but a -s... it's true... im right! XD just face it... enough of the communication problems and stuffs... it's so obvious that you like him la... bleah =P

guys? not!

2007-05-18T15:31:00.000+08:00

i'm so... what's with guys and all? shut up! i think we are better off without you guys. haha. right nic? haha. it's his loss not mine. anyway, it will be a long time before i get involved in a relationship. commitment? rather not. hate being tied down. so whatever. haha. now i FINALLY know the reason for everything that happened. as in 2 years ago till now... muhahaha. how clever can i get? BLEAH =P

i am back to the old me already! welcome me back! quick! argh!!!!!!!! hahahaha. the real story starts now. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! haha. LOVE all who are here for me! *MUACKZ* *HUGS*

LOL

2007-05-16T14:11:00.000+08:00

............../´¯/)...........(\¯`\..........
............/....//..............\\....\...........
.........../....//................\\....\.............
...../´¯/..../´¯\.........../¯`\....\¯`\..........
.././.../..../..../._......_.\....\....\...\.\.......
(.(....(....(..../.)..)..(..(.\....)....)....)..).......
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..\................. /........\................../

haha... interesting??? got it in class... =P thx to enkai... hehe. decided to share wif everi1... bleah. though it is not ladylike to do it, but just sharing...

last night...

2007-05-15T09:11:00.000+08:00

had a long talk last night... haha... nic, dawn n i... love them... we were talking about them... haha. i understand darling... i know what you are trying to say... i understand... maybe i should really give up... but the thing is that i don't know la... i think i should just leave it there first... if he really likes this girl in his class and he does not want to tell me then ok loh... but i really don't think that what nic and steph say is true... though i hope so but i don't think so... as in why would he tell me that he likes this girl in his class if what they say is true? to see my reaction? weird. i think generally guys are weird... haha. fact? to me, yes. =P
lalala. i just think that i don't really need to say much about yesterday's conversation? too complicated le... haha. we were talking about too many stuffs. but i think im still stubborn? that's me ba... no competition nothing fun... haha. i think im not only emo but nuts. LOL. are the three of us all in the same boat? haha. we won't know for sure right? dawn, ganbatte... XD nic, i think it's really coming true... XD

reminder: sunday 4 at national libray.

exams!!!

2007-05-14T12:41:00.000+08:00

OMGOMGOMG! WHAT IF I FAIL MY EXAMS AND TEST AND REPEAT THE MODULES? I DON'T WANT TO REMAIN HERE STUDYING YEAR ONE SEM ONE STUFFS NEXT SEM! WHAT IF I DON'T DO WELL? WHAT IF I REALLY FAIL? I AM NOT STUDYING. EVERYONE IS WORKING SO HARD BUT IT SEEMS THAT I AM STILL SLACKING... SO DUMB CAN. I FEEL SO SCARY AND DUMB. ARGH! HELP ANYONE?

WHAT IF I REALLY FAIL?! WHAT WILL HAPPEN? I DON'T WANT TO RETAKE ANYTHING. I WANT As!!!

haiz...

2007-05-14T09:04:00.000+08:00

he's like giving me the feeling that he likes her... is it true? haiz. i don't really want to think about it... if he says he doesn't then fine... somehow i hope that he still likes me... as in what nic said... haiz. but is like i think what nic hopes for is coming true... but the thing is that i don't think what i hope for is coming true... oh well... nevermind... as long as i know he's there, it's fine... i feel so relax around him... i don't need to pretend... i can be me... maybe what i hope might be true but is just that everything is unsaid... maybe. i don't know. i don't want to bring my hopes up... but well... is like i feel that i want what i hope for to happen but on the other hand i don't. i don't want to repeat that 6 days again... that's why i don't wish what i hope for to come true... but i don't want to be in this alone so ya... argh. why am i so contradicting? *shrugs*

click 'man' and read what i wrote... hehe. cute... LOL!

finally

2007-05-13T00:46:00.000+08:00

omg. i hate to bottle everything up. lalala.

fine. i think i might be falling for him. blah. but im going to fight that back. i don't want to be alone in this. it sucks. the feeling really sucks. pardon my language but yar... i know im supposed to focus on something else but yar... now i like things the way it is... being like the old times... is so fun... i think she likes him too... but she should just drop it. she likes him? will she stand a chance? maybe. but then... well... maybe in the future... but now, i doubt.
i wish you are still having the feelings... i don't want to be here alone... lalala. well... i guess it's always like that... i'll be waiting??? maybe... i don't know how long this will be here but i'll do my best to be fine... as long as i can see you and have you around, im fine...
i want to tell you that i really am falling for you but i know that your feelings are no longer there. what can i do? i miss those times but well... i think you will never have those feelings back? haha. i'll fight the feelings... i won't ever let you know. even if you still like me... because i don't ever want to hear you say that we are rushing into things again and everything that happened within the past week to repeat... but a part of me just want to tell you... i kind of hope that you will tell me that you actually still have feelings for me and that when you said that you don't mean what you say, you were lying... but i guess it will never come true... this is all just part of my dream... but i rather stay in my dream, believing that you still do like me... how foolish can i get?

talking???

2007-05-13T00:29:00.000+08:00

she's tokin to him now!!! haha. so sweet! =P

if only he will call me... lalala

confused

2007-05-13T00:07:00.000+08:00

haiz. it always happens. i'm stuck. is like she also think that i do but well... haiz. i can't say anything. as in i think i am but the thing is that it is not possible so why waste the time? well... i think it shall just be hidden... i kind of hope what steph and nic say is true. lalala. argh. i am really confused. well... let time speak... so yar.

oh ya... new news... nic is also kind of in the same situation as me... 'specious' = special and precious??? haha... nic, gd choice la... he's cute... LOL. well... me... haiz.

nic told me why she told me what she said in the past... well, it sounded so 'wow'. as in usually, no one will say that... the natural reaction should be 'oh... she's liddat de ah...' but no one will say that unless they are really determined... so well, maybe it was all just a lie... haiz. i feel like spilling everything out but i am afraid that if the person sees this then what am i to do? well... maybe it will just be kept in my heart until what i hope comes true... maybe he still... but i don't know... whatever it is, things will be kept unsaid... at least on my part... i think i am hoping for something that will not come true... *sighs.*

finally things are cleared!!!

2007-05-09T11:48:00.000+08:00

WOW. super big news. i realised that i never ever liked him. right. sounds fake but yar. emo was cos of... girls stuff la... LOL. wow. how did i realise that? i woke up this morning and i was like what just happened? i though i was supposed to be sad and stuffs as usual but i realised that i forgot everything instantly. then i realise that yar... i didn't even like him. the whole wide world knows that if i like someone i won't give up so easily. well, maybe not the whole wide world but the friends i know. so yar. if i can forget it instantly then i really didn't like him at all. no wonder all the emo stuffs came. haiz. i better tell nic this. aniwae, y m i writing this online? LOL. i just don't want to repeat. so darling, read this post. im free. i am safe. =D i guess there was no need to protect my emotions in the first place. cos there was nth??? =x oops. LALALA. aniwae, it's not my fault that im a gal... n whoever came up wif pms shld b blamed? dotz. -_-'"

just so you know

2007-05-08T10:22:00.000+08:00

"Just So You Know by Jesse McCartney"
I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus]

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here

[Chorus]

'taken from azlyrics'

awww... so sweet... lurf dis... is lyk super nice loh... =P

wth

2007-05-07T21:49:00.000+08:00

he's avoiding me. it's so obvious. is this the end of our friendship? just like that?

i rather none of this had happened. if it was because of what was said, i rather everything remained hidden and kept... i want back the times when we are friends. when things were fine. when we were able to talk, laugh and have fun. the times when we were able to stand beside each other and not feel anything amiss. i wish i could turn the clock back and none of these ever happened.
for how long are you going to avoid me? you can choose to ignore everything. but is it going to help? can we settle this once and for all and not leave it dangling? by ignoring this matter, will it help anyone? the problem will still surface later. i can't take it anymore. i just want to settle this issue. i don't want to lose a friend because of this. really. i don't.

sorry. i guess it's all my fault. if you feel that i am giving you pressure then tell me. i really can't read your mind. i won't know how you feel and what's going on until you tell me. i am really trying my best to make things fine but it seems like it is not working. i'm sorry then. i didn't mean to enter your life. i'm sorry.

lost

2007-05-07T12:37:00.000+08:00

im lost. i don't know what to do anymore. things just worsen day by day. shrugs. the more i think, the more i don't know where things are.

2007-05-07T00:09:00.000+08:00

im waiting for the day he tells me "i no longer have feelings for you". though he has yet to say that but i just feel that it has already come true. everything really changed. no hugs nothing? it seems like we are not even friends. just acquaintances. if he really has no feelings i rather he tell me soon. i don't want to be the only one in this... these kind of things are not supposed to be one-sided.

i hate it.

2007-05-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

why must people avoid their feelings? is it wrong to like someone? "Brenda, you are supposed to help me get out of this." is it my fault that you like someone? why can't you face your own feelings and deal with it? "i am not ready." then why do you like her if you are not ready in the first place? a little stupid right. like her then just tell her la. afraid that she likes you? what is the point of liking someone and hoping that they don't like you? pointless. you are not talking sense. affect your prelims? then are you going to forever not be in a relationship? because in the university you will also have exams. so?
why is everyone going "Brenda help me"? then who is going to help me when i have problems? i want everything to go back to how they were before. i feel so dumb now. i don't want to be back to my old self. i want to be who i am now. but yet i can't. argh. hate this feel.

???

2007-05-06T14:25:00.000+08:00

if someone really likes you, he will change for you...

things changed... i think his feelings faded... he seems cold... maybe i am thinking too much again? i don't know... i guess i never will...

p.s. there is something wrong with the stupid blogger... argh!

2007-05-05T12:11:00.001+08:00

im fine. haha. some things are better left unsaid.

what's wrong!?!?

2007-05-05T07:13:00.000+08:00

everything hurts. i tried sleeping last night. i really did. but i woke up to something. now everything is really messed up. my wounds hurt, heart hurts and i don't know if whatever i woke up to actually exist or it was just a figure of my imagination. but i think he really wants me to give up. so maybe what made me wake up was just a dream and not true.

2007-05-05T01:24:00.000+08:00

xiao cong, where are you? i need you now. really.

you say you understand but you don't. why are you so afraid that your ex will look for me when i don't care? then are you forever not going to be in another relationship because if you have another girlfriend, your ex will look for her? do you even know and understand what i am going through? i just feel so dead. sorry. i think you really don't get what i am trying to say. but i guess maybe i should just face the truth and let go. sorry.

shuddup

2007-05-05T00:56:00.000+08:00

i rather be the only one suffering. i want to hear your voice. i want you to be beside me. i want you here. i need you. but if you don't let me walk on my own, i fear that i can never walk on my own without you. i already rely too much on you.
it hurts but i rather you hurt me more. don't be so nice so that i can forget you. i really don't want to but since you don't want me to fall for you then this is what needs to be done. i really don't want this to happen but since this is what you ask for then i rather you hurt me more. i want to get used to everything soon. i want to be around you and feel fine. i want to be fine.

you want the truth? here it is.

2007-05-05T00:15:00.000+08:00

am i really to tell you how hurt i am? for how long have i cried? it's dumb. i'm just so dumb. jj says i should just like him and if his ex really finds me, ask him to do something about it. but he also said that even before we are in a relationship i am already like this so i should just let go. he is contradicting himself. jj, you are not helping. but i need you to help me get out. forget it. you broke up as well so fine. handle your problems first.

i am really lost. i kind of expected something like this to happen but yet i still cried. how useless can i get? argh. i hate myself. can't you just end everything? why did you even like me and tell me all that before you ended everything clearly? why give me hope? i'm shocked nic's judgement is wrong. i feel so tired. i want to drift away. i want to escape to a place where i won't have all these things. a place where there is only me and the stars. it feels so weird now. him and i are like so cold towards each other. i shall not use us because there was no US to begin with. all this time it is only a you and i. even though it is an AND, but the US still never existed. everything is just a dream. a dream that i have to awake from. it hurts. i hate being strong but because of you, i have to. i don't want you to feel bad, i don't want to hurt you. i feel so dead. when i close my eyes, i can literally feel myself floating. maybe i am supposed to be alone for the rest of my life. maybe this is my retribution for all the revenge that i have taken. it's ok. by monday i'll be fine. i will just have to bear with it. it will go away. i guess i rushed into things. i shouldn't have fallen for you. im sorry. i really am. if i didn't exist, you might not have broken up with her. then you might not be so hurt now. you might be happier and falling for her. sorry. i shouldn't have come into your life. sorry.

someone take me out of this place. take my hand, take me away and let me never return. i don't want to be hurt again. it's too late for me to forget. i have fallen for you.

my happy ending. NOT!

2007-05-04T22:58:00.000+08:00

history repeated. as expected.

confused.

2007-05-03T21:34:00.000+08:00

it feels so different. somehow i'm falling for him but i am afraid. will i fall again? will he guide me? i feel like asking him to let go. to not be here for me. because i fear that one day when he leaves, i will no longer be able to stand up on my own. i want to tell him how much he means to me and how much it hurts when we argue. but yet, what if it's all a dream? what if it will never be?
i think his opinion of me might change soon. maybe he might realise that there is more to me than what he expected. maybe everything will fade. but if it does, then i think i will be left to fight the feelings i have for him. i don't know how he will react after reading this post but all i know is that if things change, i will have only myself to blame. maybe i opened up too quickly. maybe i fell for him too quickly. i don't know. all i know is that i am trying my best.
maybe i think too much. i think i should just let time do the talking. for now, i just want to dwell in this. but... i still can't help wondering if it will last... will he ever be able to take my hand and walk with me?

oh ya... i did my LMS stuffs... guess what... i am an ISFJ."People of this type tend to be: cautious, gentle, and thoughtful; hesitant until they know people well then affectionate and caring; very literal and aware of the physical world; uncompromising about personal standards and easily offended; diligent and conscientious, organized and decisive." i am definately not easily offended though. OBJECTION!

loved not?

2007-05-03T02:23:00.000+08:00

i feel loved. at times it feels so real but yet i wonder if this is just another dream. i don't want to hurt him but at times, the words i say makes me feel that i am hurting him. a lot of things are running through my mind. yet, im ignoring them as i rather dwell in the comfort that i am in.
seriously, sometimes i wonder if everything is for real. it seems unbelievable. not? how long will this last? a year? should i or should i not? nic said something i will not expect her to say. i was shocked. now im really thinking. studies still do come first but... i no longer want someone just to love me and with all the sms and attention but something deeper. yet, im not confident of this. not because of anything he said but i don't know if i have the courage to take that step when it comes around.
somehow, when he's around, im not afraid. i know i can depend on him. but yet... i don't want things to move too quickly. besides, i only know him for 17 days, 2 hours and 45 minutes (according to the time i am writing =P). i like feeling loved but committment? can i really handle that? no one knows what the future holds. anyway, will that day even come? what if just when i already took that step, things turn out to be the opposite of what it is now? then what am i to do? just pretend that im alright when i am actually hurt? i don't want history to repeat itself. maybe i should just let nature take it's course. if it was meant to be that history is to repeat, then what can i do? i can't do anything either. right? what if someone else appears and i lose him then? i don't like the feeling of losing someone i love.
i am lost. so lost. i need someone to guide me out of all my mess. someone who will really take my hand and not let go. though i ask for love but what actually is love? i don't know. will anyone be able to show me what love really means? will i really be able to start anew and pick myself up? can i really get out of the mess that i have made? only time can tell. will i ever be ready? we'll see.

lalala

2007-04-30T14:42:00.000+08:00

argh... life sux. staying in school stonning. wth. i feel so crappy. lalala. i got nothing to say.

what is wrong with me?

2007-04-22T21:07:00.000+08:00

what is wrong with me? this is supposed to be a start of a new year. yet i feel so lost. it's only one week but i am already so mixed up. i should never have talked to you or ask you anything. i feel like i have just lost myself. am i really that vulnerable? why is everyone doing this to me? i just want to get out of this cycle. all i ask for is a little love. is that too much? i never wanted things to turn out this way. i suddenly miss you alot. i feel so alone now. i will never want to be stuck in this situation. i can't be alone doing nothing. my mind will run wild. i need a hug right now. but there is no one here. i feel like crying but can't. i need love. lots of it. hope for school to start soon. my mind needs to be occupied. can someone take my hand and hold it? guide me for the rest of my road. i can't handle anymore. i feel like resorting to the knife but i promised myself that i will not cut anymore. HELP. i need to get out of this mess.

argh

2007-04-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

haiz. i dont wanna start sch... life pract sux. i cant meet ani1 n sch is killin mi... im talkin to hui xin n i kinda still miss her... n i miss nic... she wun b back till tml nite... haiz. will i b able to cal her? n jj beta wait fer mi on mon... 3 hrs fer mi... onli dis mon wat... so bad... haiz... gonna cal n bug him tml... so yar... dat's all...

happy birthday to me! 21st mar =P

2007-03-22T23:37:00.000+08:00

many thanks to those who sent their birthday greetings to me... they are nic, jun hui, ben, nivitra, bro, dad, mum, weng siong couz, uncle paul, ros, jol, yu zhong, xin, naz, charlie, lynette, char, mimi...

mood-less

2007-03-14T11:48:00.000+08:00

too many things on my mind. i don't think i will be blogging for a while...

sobs

2007-03-08T19:39:00.000+08:00

haiz... to know that i'll be in np is kind of sad... don't know why but is like i don't know any year 2s or 3s... haiz. at least if i go tp or sp i will know someone... i still feel like wanting to appeal out of the school but... nevermind. maybe i will really get used to the life there and make some friends... if only i am not that anti-social...
lalala... my birthday is coming... but i don't know how to celebrate it... will i get a surprise??? LoL. i guess i'll just have to wait and see... i want to watch the phantom of the opera... argh! i think the best present i could get is someone to go with me... but the ticket is so expensive... i don't think anyone will be able to go with me. haha

i am in trouble...

2007-03-06T10:35:00.000+08:00

wow... got into np acc... lyk wat de... i think im gonna die in dere... i so anti... haiz. wonder ani one in cg goin to np... mayb jol... i think i'll ask lata... but i still kinda no mood loh. considering whether or not to change school.

realised ppl do change... how i've changed to adapt to days without you. having fun in army??? lol. i've learnt to forget about the past and start anew... everyone deserves a second chance. many of us don't see our faults until we are told. i am of no exception. well, at least i no longer need attention. in a way kind of being back to my old self. everyone is leaving me again. kind of used to it. so maybe being alone is still the best. valentines, white valentines, anniversaries... kind of don't belong to my kind of life now... LoL. i guess it will be after a very long time before i get into this...

aric's coming back this year and i'll be going to hk on 9aug. will have to miss sch but who bothers. anyway, i don't know for sure which day but if he comes back i might not want to see him as well... can't face him i guess... argh. i guess things are just meant to be this way...

argh!!! boredom...

2007-02-27T12:54:00.000+08:00

xiao zhu... u mus hv died waiting fer mi rite... oops. =P
im dying... de daes r gettin longer and more borin... w/o work is lyk so sian... at least wen i work got ppl to joke wif n tok to... now den hv... spend daes shopping agn as usual... my new job is to buy clothes... gonna get a new wardrobe... haha... LoL. aniwae... i decided to b a tutor??? dun think i can make it though... but i ask my piano teacher see how loh... haiz... i still cant believe i turn down de ad company... haiz... wat was i thinkin... sobx.
im goin out agn! wow. meetin nic at 1400... nid to hurry... argh!!!

crazy???

2007-02-09T23:27:00.000+08:00

i think im crazy. when i got my results, i cried. wow. another melodrama scene. LoL. im still kinda sad though. whenever i think of the results, i still want to cry... the big news is that jezer got 7!!! wat de... i hate him. really. and his sch's top scorer is wif 7 a1s... crazy sia...

xiao zhu, u noe wat... i kind of didnt expect him to wish me luck... when he msg me i was like shocked... didnt thot he will msg me... n wen he cal i was lyk ' did de wrong name appear on my fone?' sounds lyk im bad but i dun mean it dat wae la... mayb i reali lyk him... mayb... haiz. but it seems lyk he... i dunno... rah! dun wanna tok bout dis thin le la... let tym speak fer itself. 2 thins... valentines and my bdae... if... den i'll noe... so yar... haha. =P i think i reali miss him... loads. weird. so not lyk mi... i realise i easily contented... mayb absence reali will make de heart fonder? haha. weird. O.o

main thin, im still sad. nid lots of ice-cream... haiz. i want ice-cream. i only had veri little... mayb 1 scoop and 1 cone... argh... tml afta work mus go buy summore... argh... sad sad sad... still sad. hugs anione??? i nid dem... loads... bleah.

sick

2007-02-06T19:27:00.000+08:00

im sick. physically and mentally. i think this work is like so whatever. i work from 1000 to 1730 only and i am like that. argh. i think i should really eat and drink water. maybe because i never eat the whole day and only drunk two sips of water ba. dotz. if only i have someone to remind me to eat and drink. someone to pamper me... haha. rah! i miss you... a lot... really. argh... great. i am not going to eat dinner even. i have no appitite. hope i dont really fall sick tml. still have to work sia.

you know what? i decided to give this blog a name. erm... i think it will be called 'xiao zhu' ba... haha. it's decided. you will be called xiao zhu. =)

i wish things could be like before. with you. to be held in your arms. though i get a little irritated at times, i feel so lost without you now. like a part of me is missing. i rather you talk to me... is a little thing really able to affect everything that much? how much do i mean to you? aiyah. i shouldn't rant so much. maybe i should just forget that everything happened. take everything as a dream? but when i pass the places we went before i will still stop to think. i never since then sat with nic at the walkway between the lifts. she would sit and i stand. to think of everything is too heart-breaking for me. i should heal the wounds and not hurt them deeper.
the tv should stop talking about valentines. i am so not interested. being alone. wow. thanks sia. nevermind. i think i should be used to it. sometimes i wonder when will i get a ring on valentines. i think that will have to wait till i am attached. long way ba... haha. maybe my tiao jian really too high. LoL. i think im starting to be emo le. better stop the rubbish. my headache and bodyache is killing me. argh!

my fault!?

2007-02-05T19:13:00.000+08:00

ok. fine. everything is my fault. it's over right. ok. i mean what can i do right. accept it loh. -.-

hmmm... erm... will the old me do? wow. a bad way to start feb right? all i want for my birthday is you! yeah! lalala. i watch too much tv. haha. actually no link la. i just suddenly feel like saying this.

im angry

2007-02-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

argh! i hate you can. is like i thought you were serious. if not i wouldn't even have ever liked you. but what happen? things turn out to be that you are just another insensitive jerk. am i really a toy that everyone has to do this to me? fine. i know it's my fault that i make everyone wait for at least 6 months. but has anyone ever thought about why did i do those things? everytime it's the same over and over again. why can't things be different for a change? when i really thought that you are serious i decided to give it a shot. but then. well, this time round the only difference is that i did not expect this outcome. i am shocked, stunned and speechless. i don't know where to start. argh! IDIOT! is it me again or is it really that every guy who likes me is a jerk? why is it that everytime i decide to like someone, it has to be that the person will go MIA or suddenly emotionless or have a girlfriend or even tell me that he likes this certain girl and he does not know what to do. i think it will be a long time before i will ever like anyone again. i think the old me is back. wow. great. my friends will suffer again? LoL. sorry guys. =P

rah!

2007-02-05T14:23:00.000+08:00

lalala. happy birthday my dear. coming le right. too bad cant wish you personally. bleah. =P u ah... turning 20 le loh... so old le... better know what to do and what not to do ah... don't let history repeat itself. oops. i think i talked too much le. =x

i am super sad can. rah! i don't know what's with me. felt like i just wasted weeks of my life on some liar. argh! now i know why do i hate people instead of loving them. i really don't feel like talking to you anymore. i feel so hurt. so alone. you blew off the light from my candle and now i can't see anything. i am lost in darkness and back in the land of lonliness again. LoL. what's with the emo melodrama drama? haha. why should i be so emo right. is not like this is the first time. i am not going to like anyone anymore. is like the last time, the same thing happened. guys are like so cowardly. why avoid someone just because you are unable to handle your emotions? it seems like i lost all my support this time.
recently i have been staring into space and feeling so lost. i don't even know why i am doing all these. not going to work really brings my mind back to all these things. i don't like to be alone and spend meaningless days all by my own waiting for time to past. the scars are getting more obvious by the day. sometimes i wonder if can the scars ever be gone. everytime i look at them, i remember once that someone ever told me " if that is really the case i will just die. without you is really nothing. i will really slit. " at first i thought it was a joke but after fifteen minutes there was no respond. and i tried calling for at least 20 times. on the last try the person answered and said " don't worry. i won't die. a little slit won't kill me. this was the only way for me to hear you. at least i know you care. everything is worth it. " and he went all quiet. but thank God that the person didn't die. or i will be blaming myself now.
sometimes i really wonder if i need to end up in the hospital before you really care. everyone siad that i was foolish enough to like you. i don't know. maybe they are right maybe they are wrong. but after all that i felt and all that happened, i realised that i am foolish to fall for you. maybe this was all a lie right from the very beginning. maybe i was right right from the start. we are too different and that things can never be.

i realised that kisses at different places means different things. goodnight kisses are on foreheads, goodbyes are on cheeks, serious i love yous are on lips. LOL. wow. these things should not be said by me. should be said by someone who kissed. =x oops. bleah. HAHAHA! ROFL.

i hate you! argh!

2007-02-04T23:15:00.000+08:00

i so hate you. just shut up. this always happens to me right. LoL. but at least even if this always happens, i am not as desperate as someone to the extent of going on a stupid blind date. and NO i don't want to go. if you want to go and meet, go by your own. i hate everything. everyone lies. guys are nothing but trouble. argh. they are just SO insensitive can. argh.
i hate you i hate you i hate you. fine. i am funing mad. to think that i should take out those posts? why should i? in short, just listen to tu ran lei le by jj. argh. is not like i really mei you ren yao loh. why am i going to this extent? rah!
i need huggies... anyone? LoL. if only i can call you. haiz. work work work. i tues go that time scold her for you. haha. =P see. i so nice.
haiz. i miss xiao cong. at least de cong is not like that. = ( why did i not treasure things. only to hold them tight after i lost them. sorry i didn't spend your birthday with you last year. i know it's too late to say this but just yar. at least let me just feel better.
lil notes to self: give your heart only when you know that it won't be broken. spend your birthday with the one you love. if he loves you that much, he will also spend his with you. if the guy knows you enough, he will know that whatever you say is the opposite of what you mean (except when you are REALLY serious about an issue). he will be able to hold me and say "this is the girl i like" and not push me or his friends away when he is with either his friends or me and happen to see the other party. he will understand me if he is serious. he will know that i will remember most of the things he say and whenever he does not mean or do them, i will be disappointed. he will know how i really feel. he will know that little actions will be taken note by me and i will appreciate every single of them. he will not only know but understand what i mean by romantic. he will spend time with me and not leave me alone when i really need support. he will be willing to share stuffs with me and not only me telling my problems. he will say ' i love you' and mean it. hopefully he knows when is white valentines.

oh my goodness.

2007-02-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

is work life really that bad? why is it that she is always bullying her? stay till 12mn? she is only 16. who will send her back? her mum has work tomorrow. can't auntie cut it tomorrow? why must nic finish it? what the. there is no sense right. she cut them all alone by herself. how to finish? think she God ah? is not fair for her loh. she is the only part time left. why just now don't let me do? siao ah. goodness. and now her mum is angry.

busy

2007-01-31T21:35:00.000+08:00

i am like so busy can... haiz... from now till 17th feb, i'll only be free on 1st and 5th??? haiz. what's with me? i kind of feel that it is not worth it after all. what got into me in the first place to agree with this kind of hectic stuffs? i now kind of no mood liao loh. piano exam is coming though i still don't exactly know when and i have two untouched and unknown songs which i must master within 2weeks and my scales which are not complete!!! argh! super stressed up and busy.

tired tired tired

2007-01-28T19:09:00.000+08:00

sighs. i have been so tired and quiet lately. quiet not as in not talking but as in keeping everything inside of me. wow. emotional burden loads.
realised just today that i need a lot and i mean A LOT of attention. need to change. but what's the point? i can't. because what attention do i have to start with when no one, other than nic who still talks to me, bothers about me anymore. well, at least this is how i feel.
charlie told me that if he gave me the feeling that he doesn't care, he don't mean it. what's the point? i want and need someone else's care. not exactly his. have been feeling quite emotionless lately. valentine is really coming. not that it affects me but alone? at least someone said something last year. but if i ever find something on valentine's, it definately will have nothing to do with him. bleah. xiao lan cong, your xiao zhu zhu will no longer be. so yar.
after going through so much in january, i guess i'll have to grow up and be different from febuary onwards. be a different me. it's difficult but i will do my best. i promise.
well, at least when i make a promise i do it. not like some people who make empty promises. if you can't do it, then don't promise.

fun!

2007-01-24T23:36:00.000+08:00

LoL. long tym since i went out in a grp... haha. nic wen to meet ivan... den i went to meet dem den we meet jun den afta dat meet ash... main thin, mi, nic, jun, ivan took neoprints... LoL. so funi can... all of us were lyk siao... cool loh... hehe... hope to b able to upload de fotos... but sad thin is dat got 2 fotos we draw till veri nice wif mi wo niu... HAHAHA! super funi wif mi goin on wif "w-o n-i-u..." super slowli... hahahaha. had fun todae... we said we shld go out more often as a grp... hehe. =P

haha

2007-01-23T19:02:00.000+08:00

roy sae he bringin me out on valentines... haha. he wan mi die ah... lata got ppl come afta mi sia... but aniwae he's not serious de la... everitym sae dis kinda thins... stupid guy. =P i can scold all i wan here... he'll nv noe...
i don't want to talk anymore le la. he really spoil my mood. not you la roy. someome else. argh! fine. i won't talk to you anymore. how can you like someone and not miss them with your heart? even friends miss each other.

crying...

2007-01-22T23:34:00.000+08:00

omg. when i went here my first reaction was to cry. what the hell is wrong with me? i don't know.
someone sent me this msg saying "peter pan once said, think of a happy thought so you can fly... guess what? you make me fly." though it is a stupid message but a part of me actually hopes that you would send me this message. i feel so dumb. like stupidly waiting for something that won't happen.
i hope you won't read this blog even if i told you to do so. if you happen to come across this post, please don't carry on reading.
sometimes i feel so silly. when i re-read my posts, i feel so stupid. really really dumb. how can i scold someone so much and have my friends agreeing that i should not like a certain guy but in the end falling for him... omg. i think the stupid mess is starting again. mark is enough. not another one. but i think the only difference is that no one in a sense disagree to me liking mark. LoL. i feel lost, lonely and numb. so silly. i think this year's valentine will be a cold and lonely one. maybe everyone around me will just be working. i'll spend it at home then. unless someone calls me out. but i don't think anyone would. jj has his gf. my buddy no longer has time for me... *sobs* i don't think he will call. by that time i think his heart would most probably have gone to someone else. someone better than me.
wow. emo. LoL. how emo can i get? i guess worse than this. argh! fine. i really miss you. i think i've really fallen for you... haha. what's the point of saying all these? well... at least i won't regret not ever saying this and when i really lose you at least i can tell myself that i did actually say how i feel. but not to you personally. i don't think i will ever dare. besides, i don't think i will ever get the chance to.
ps. people, just shut up. since when was crying ever a crime? is it wrong for me to cry? *still crying*

it's finalised... i am weird...

2007-01-22T09:27:00.000+08:00

so funny loh... whether i like him or not i don't know. i am super confused can. argh! what's happening to me? LoL.
he's not really my dream guy... but i kind of do miss him once in a while... sometimes i just hope that he can just spend more time with me... i only think of mark when he doesn't do the things i hope he does. maybe because i am used to being held closely and having much attention... so when i come to think about it, i don't like mark. it's just that i sometimes hope he will do the things that mark did. on the other hand, i don't want to put my heart into this. i don't want history to repeat itself.is like if i really like him, i am just afraid that what happened between me and aric will happen again... i just have this feeling.
aric is back in singapore and as usual i don't know. i told him that it is really over. no point waiting. ever since the incident at orchard, i don't trust him. then this time i will really experience a christmas story... oh... the christmas story is nic's story... hehe.
so yar. i am stuck in this situation. how i am feeling i don't know. but whatever the case is, i don't think he wants to talk to me. maybe i have been given too much that's why i ask so much. on the other hand, action speaks louder than words. if someone really cares, his actions should tell the whole story. one will understand without hearing a single word. if you do things to show that you love someone, even without saying i love you, they will still understand because your actions have spoken for you. so i'll wait till he show some action before i can finally clear the confusion.
all in all, maybe i am weird. but i don't wait to be certain of anything first. my heart can't break again. too many wounds are still unheal. i need someone who can help me to heal the wounds and not break it again.

omg.

2007-01-21T20:51:00.000+08:00

nic, i miss u!!! so sad... dun get to see u... hope the two of us will be together during feb. don't want to be transfered. LoL. it will be boring. dat's besides de case though... main thin, i hate pauline!
it seems like i have been hating many people recently... LoL. who cares. life's getting more complicated.
talked to roy ytd. he's so blah loh... 'i won't say no to a possible relationship'? oh please. why give hope when it is not going to come true? haiz. don't bhb la... think everyone will fall gaga over you? oh my... HELP! the sky's falling. LoL. *ps. ppl hu read dis, don't tell roy. i think he'll kill me.* anyway, roy, if you happen to see this, relax. i'm not all serious though. just feel like suan-ing ppl.
i've not been talking to him for a long time. hope he's fine. made a deal not to think and bother about him already. so this will most probably be the last post about him. he should be fine with his gf. haha.
jun, the blue rose deal is off. i don't want to do that. no one will ever do that de la. it's just a stupid passing deal of a stupid 15 yr old. LoL.
oh yar. when i told him to quit on the 26 dec he told me to give him one month. the deadline is coming. wonder if he remembers and really kept his word. will i be disappointed again?
enough of everyone else... back to me. i think i've changed. never felt so empty until this year. realised that there is more to life than everything else. reality is really tough. i guess soon i'll fall back into fantasy. LoL. when the wounds no longer hurt, i'll be back to face reality. i need to heal everything. everyone whom i was once a toy to, i have decided to forget about revenge. i realised that everything is coming back to me. whatever you peeps have done to me, i'll forget and let go. usually i will hate them but now, forget it. i don't think i have the courage to do what i did before. i don't know why but yar.

argh!

2007-01-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate youi hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
don't be such an irritating arsehole. if you think that you are damn popular, sorry. if you think that people wants to go out with you, i think is just because they have too much time to spare and they don't know what to do. don't think too highly of yourself. face it. your hair sucks. you are fat and no one wants to be with you. who wants to spend valentines with you? what makes you think that i will be without a date on that day? don't be stupid.

nic is sleepin

2007-01-15T13:21:00.000+08:00

nic's comfortably lyin on my bed sleepin... lyk wat de... pig sia... not slp den is eat... haiz.
nic said wat i said is true... lyk wen did de thins i sae turn out not to be true? here's de conversation.
me: y izzit dat ppl hu r _____ (cant rmb wat's de word) oso hv bf but we dun?
*pause fer awhile* i noe... is cos we too picky...
nic: is u picky not mi...
me: *points to some guy* if he lyks u will u lyk him?
nic: erm... hur hur hur
me: see... so u r picky...
it goes on n on n on...
so yar... im still wonderin y r we single... haiz. hu cares... i dun but mayb... oh! nic saes she dun care. LALALA

wat's wif mi???

2007-01-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

it seems lyk dis yr has started frm de wrong side... is lyk everithin is upside-down. i used to not bother bout relationships and stuffs but dis yr i seem to be so emo... haiz... i guess it's enuf fer mi... all r kinda too much fer mi to handle. so mani probs in my life... i reali dunno wat to do... mayb is cos of all de probs dat im thinkin of all these. i think i jus nid sum1 to b dere 24/7 fer mi... kinda impossible though... haiz. kinda wish dat jj has time fer mi ta listen ta mi complain... but mayb i can scream at him wen i get my results... wonder if he will reali come cos if he does, it will b a miracle? =x oops. sori. =P hehe.
i think i nid a break frm all dese? i guess my prince is jus not here yet... wateva. instead of thinkin bout all dese i beta think of how to solve my probs 1st... dun wanna b trapped in all dese n b so unhapi... cny is comin... reunion n stuffs... how can i not b glad? oh ya... glenn looks super funi wif his hair so short... wen i saw him ytd i almost laugh... n wen he said bye to mi wen i was eatin, i could onli lyk wave de other 3 fingers of my hand... lyk so funi can... LoL.

i think i do miss you...

2007-01-13T01:07:00.000+08:00

it feels so weird... i think it's because of the rain... i don't know for sure though... it seems like i really miss you. sometimes i really hope you will call me and then i will be able to tell you what is actually going on. if only you are here beside me. i will be able to cope with anything. i need a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and a person who cares. in the past you used to call every saturday and when i say i am at my grandma's place you would insist on coming down just to see me and then head for church. still remember i would use to ask you not to be crazy as all my family members are here. and you would just say 'i only want to see you. i miss you what.' you also used to ask me to just spare you one day a week and when i say no you would always ask me if i am really that busy. finally i know how you feel. even if it's one minute of your time, i am willing. just anything so that i can be beside you again... to hear the words i miss you... it seems like i lost myself. all i think of is regrets of not telling you how i felt earlier. all the times we had before. but now, there's this person who is the total opposite of you. he say things but yet not show it, says things but not do them, says things but not mean them. it kind of reminded me of you. sometimes i want to tell him so much that i don't need him to sweet talk but to show how he really feel and to touch my heart using his sincerity. am i really asking too much of a person? to just have time for me. i mean if he is really so busy that he can't even afford a good rest, why is it that he has the time to go clubbing? why can't he use the time for clubbing to rest? is clubbing really more important than everything else? maybe when i told him to give up, he really gave up on the spot. maybe that's the real reason why he can't be bothered with me but not because he is busy. but if he was really able to give up straight away, then he must really not be serious. to be able to forget someone who means alot to you instantly, how can one be serious about that person? haiz. i really give up. whatever he wants to do is no longer my problem already.

where are you?

2007-01-11T16:13:00.000+08:00

lalala... life's boring. school's tough... i hate jc life... it's really not for me. this really confirm my decision of not going to jc. i will definately go poly liao loh... is like jc is all about gp... and even first lecture only then i cannot catch up le... i mean math is ok but physics is like oh my goodness... dots loh. didnt know that i will end up not liking physics.
haiz. where are you when i need you? i guess i know how he felt. i think he's not angry with me because of anything but because i was not there when he was undergoing something that was too much for him to handle. so yar. i dont think i'll bother talking to you anymore since you are so busy.
you are like so whatever loh. when you are happy you will just find me but other times you like just dont bother. i hate being people's toy. i am someone who needs TLC and attention!? i am not a robot. if you think that i am too much for you to handle then why even bother knowing me in the first place? i hate being alone and you are leaving me alone? is not like you dont know that fact but yet you are doing it? what was i thinking when i said i will give you a chance?

wat a dae..

2007-01-05T23:56:00.000+08:00

todae is lyk so weird... i wen xin's hse... had fun... did thins dat i wun do at hm... is lyk dey eat n tok n can rest leg on de table de loh... can tel dat deir family reali bond de loh... tok alot durin dinner n stuff... lyk veri fun... nth to sae le la...

amazed...

2007-01-04T22:40:00.000+08:00

i was shocked wen i read my previous posts... it's amazing how i can lyk someone almost instantly and not lyk de same person also almost instantly.
it took mi a long tym before i found out dat i lyk him... on de 6 dec, afta de call, i took less than a week to forget him... it's weird... so weird...
oh ya... im startin to feel dat he's reali a jerk. i did feel bad at 1st but now not reali. he's oso not toking to me... so wat's de diff??? he doesnt feel anithin... to think dat de smses would cause at least a lil impact. wow. mayb he's reali not serious. i think i just fell for another idiot's trick. i think it'll be a long time before i reali trust another guy's word again. things like "i love you", "i'll wait", "i miss you", "i cant do without you", etc... who will fall for these? it's impossible for any gal to believe those words rite? or mayb not... but even actions lie. de guys might b nice in front of u but hu noes wat dey r doin behind ur back?
aniwae, haven seen cute guys in SA though... haiz... so much for de cute guys stuff... how to pass 2 plus more mths dere??? =x

what was i thinking?

2007-01-02T10:05:00.000+08:00

i really don't know what spurred me to do what i did yesterday. i thought of it through the whole night. it seems like i was unable to find out an answer. all i realised was that even if he were to change totally, i will still not like him. it's too difficult to like a perfect person. maybe i have been living in fantasy for too long a time. i guess it's time to step out of my dreams and start facing reality. but before that, i think i still have many problems to solve.
i really don't know what to do now. all i can do is to occupy my mind with something else. i think today will be a very packed day for me.
if things had to turn out this way, i rather take back everything. turn the clock around and make sure that none of these had happened. but i can't. well, now all i can do is to regret again. i think things had never been so serious till this morning. the nightmare was horrible. i dreamt that he quoted words from this blog and just told me off. in respond to everything he said, all i did was to walk off, catch a movie and ate ice-cream. maybe i did cheer up after that but i don't know. i woke up in tears after seeing the ice-cream. i guess i was too stunned. i didn't expect this to happen. all i wanted was for you to give up but now i guess i no longer want anything. or rather, i can't have anything. this wasn't the result i had in mind. i thought you weren't serious. now i guess i have nothing to say except to hope that time will really heal everything.

have i went wrong again?

2007-01-01T21:34:00.000+08:00

have i made another mistake? i feel so wrong. something is just telling me that it is just not right. after the other incident, i no longer want to regret. but i think i just started regretting. i don't want things to happen this way but if i gave you too much hope then in the end it will still be like that won't it? maybe i should have kept everything from you? maybe i should have left everything the way it was? i don't know now. i am so confused. rose said that i am not heartless. if only i have the courage to say everything out. if i had said them earlier, things wouldn't turn out this way would it?
i don't want to do all these. really. but if i drag it longer, i really don't know what will be of the consequences. i did miss you. for a while. after you told me to leave you to settle your stuffs, i felt thought about it and felt that it was really useless because why should i miss someone who is always not there? absence makes the heart fonder? maybe it's true. but in this case your absence made me think through many things and i realised that we are really too far apart. in my past entries, it can also be seen. a part of me really hope that you will change but somehow or other, even if you change, i won't be able to like you because by then you will be changing because i don't like it but not because you think you should change.
i feel so weird. it's not like me to turn someone down like that. i just feel that you are not serious about me. you don't bother to take the initiative to find out things. seriously, how much do you know about me? also, i know nothing about you. how can i like someone i know nothing of? i just want to start this year differently. hui xin told me that i shouldn't mess with guys. at first i didn't take it seriously but now i think that it's really time for me to be serious about these kind of things. relationships will be on a different level for me. i will no longer play. this i will promise.
however, if anyone hurts me, i will still take my revenge. i am tired of being toyed with. i want security. i want someone's shoulder to lean on. people are always telling me when you need me i'll be there for you but how many of them are really there for me? don't say i like you for nothing. when you say it, i expect you to be responsible for your words. and stop liking me for no reason. if you just like me because you like me, then why don't you like someone else who can be found on the street? even liking me for me is also a reason. so if you can like me for no reason, i suggest you like someone else. i need security and tlc. not some nonsense sweet talking. also, not all my words are serious. i mean who will really mean it seriously and say yar get me something for my birthday. obviously i will say don't get me anything. don't be silly enough to when a girl says don't get me anything and you really not get her anything.

happy 2007?!?!

2007-01-01T16:25:00.000+08:00

great. im going to be 17... wow. sarcasm.
well, this is a boring year i guess. for a start, i have my first 3 months in sajc... kind of a good start... but still kind of regretted picking somewhere that far. hope its worth it.
this year, i guess everything will start anew. it's time for me to change. change for the better. not because anyone asks me to but because i want to. i want to be better than who i was in 2006.

my decision will be decided on the 25th of this month. whether or not i give you any chances will depend on what you do. to be clear, i dislike you to smoke, fight, act, talk big, not bother about me, regarding soccer as a more important thing, not mean what you say, not be serious about things, lie, think that i am naïve, leaving me alone, gambling that much, never taking the initiative and not knowing anything about romance. practically almost everything. you will have to undergo a total 360˚ change. so it's kind of impossible because if you change totally then you will not be you and unless you change because you felt there is a need to change, i won't be liking you for who you are. what's the point then?

i hate you

2006-12-24T00:55:00.000+08:00

when i felt that it was time to give you a chance, this is what you do to me. i cant believe that i was foolish enough to do all this.
i have lost all confidence. you love me? i think you better re-read the dictionary. love is too strong a word for you to bear. things can never be.

korean neighbours are assholes

2006-12-07T23:35:00.000+08:00

i was playing piano at 2230. so what? i was fine till this stupid korean neighbour who is freakingly short came over and said "i need to put my children to sleep. can you don't play the piano? can?" what you want me to do? say cannot ah? your children wants to sleep my business ah? they sleep at 2000 then i must stop playing at 2000 meh? i also hear music from your place at night when it's also very late loh. did you see me complain? if you want it to be super quiet, then why don't you just go to the north pole or some island that you create to live on? it will be 100% peaceful. if i must think for everyone then i might as well just die. just get a life will you. i grew up in an environment filled with noise. but never once did my parents have to go over to someone's place to ask them to be quiet. are you really that weak that you can't stand even a little noise? it was because i was playing scales. if i played a wonderful piece of song will you ask me to stop? if you don't want me to play scales, why don't you go and talk to the music board about it? it's not my fault that i am playing scales. it's a section of my exam. i will fail if i don't play. do you want to pay a few hundred bucks for me to retake? if you are then i won't play.

why am i not moving on? have you moved on and left me behind?

2006-12-06T22:31:00.000+08:00

i managed to call him after so long. but guess what? he has a girlfriend. great! i wish them all the best. he has moved on. i should too right? why can't i? when i heard he has a gf i was like all quiet and stuff.
someone heal this broken heart. it's really gone. i feel like an idiot. if i had told him earlier... wait. i think i did. this is so confusing. i feel like i'm trapped in my own world. what's the point of regretting? i want him to know. but even if he knew, i don't think it will make any difference. so what is the point? it seems like he really likes his gf. i think i will just keep this among myself and the people i know and this blog. i am tempted by the knife but i won't.
is all these for real? does his gf really mean they are together? does he really like her? i gave so many up hoping he will keep his promise. but now it seems like the saying is true. promises are meant to be broken. *tears fill my passage*
vanessa carlton's a thousand miles fits my mood.

is patience a good thing???

2006-11-23T22:40:00.000+08:00

i really hate it when people say wait or when they always drag something... is like why must one wait? if everyone wait, then why is there the word 'now' and 'immediately'? why must people say 'i can do it later'? what is the point of waiting and at the end of the day, things don't turn out as expected and one regrets? life is not about regrets but chances... if you are going to do something today, what will be the worst thing that can happen? will the consequences be as drastic as one would lose their life? if no one risks, then none of us will get what we want.

maybe you waited too long. now that i am looking for you, you are no longer there. am i supposed to be lost? have i got to wait again till you are back or am i to start searching again? will you ever be back? is this the end? whatever the case is, i regretted my choice. but do you? are you really that heartless? what am i to do? i miss everything... too bad. i guess everything will have to come to a standstill at least for now until i sort out everything? i want to move on but everytime i think of what happens, this will happen to me. i need a break. i will go for the first 3 months of jc. hopefully being involved in something and doing something will take my mind off all these. having few more friends will also take me away from this? i might be starting anew once school starts. by the time you are out of army and if you happen to see me again, i promise that you will be the one regretting not me.

o's endin!!!

2006-11-16T17:04:00.000+08:00

okie... im here agn... o's endin in 4 daes!!! yeah! = )

mani thins happen durin de o's though... ppl fall out, bonds became weaker, bonds grew stronger, etc... anithin u name can b seen...

i suddenli dunno wat to write... loss for words???

okie... wat i'll b saein nxt is of no link to dis post...
it's been lyk 3mths n im still feelin de same... but now no longer hurt... instead, numb... though tears still flow... i really still miss you i guess... maybe this is what people mean by you wont treasure things until you've lost them... i still dont understand how you bear to do all this... if im not wrong, this is ur last yr in poly rite? great... though i still dunno wat actualli went wrong that you had to cut all contact wif mi, but i still wish u all de best... i think this time, i will take a very long time to forget about all this... but i dont want to forget. this time, i'll burry it all within. i promise that if i ever happen to see you again, i will not be how i am now. i'll be much stronger than now. i promise. hope to see you live your life well. dont let anything that already happen change you. overcome it. thanks for teaching me this lesson. from now on, i'll never hide how i feel. no longer will i wear a mask to face this world. thankyou.

omg!

2006-10-18T11:49:00.000+08:00

i think it's tym fer mi ta find out hu is dat gal... haiz... beta learn ta b a beta spy... HEHE =P how can he do dis to me?!?! he's dead... muhahaha!!!

ARGH!!! o's pract fer science is tml!!! wat m i doin here!!! argh!!! gonna die soon... so tired of o's... haiz... 33 more daes to freedom! sooooooo long... omg...

i think de one thin dat i cant let go is to b forgotten. but the revenge i will still take. no matter what. i promise.

i miss you

2006-10-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

i've never felt like this before. maybe you really impacted me. whenever i think about what had happened, i feel so lost. maybe i should have taken you seriously. now, i lost what i could not even hold on to. is it my fault? what did i do wrong? you would not tell me anything and you expect everything to just end by itself? why? you said it was not possible but now you are doing it. you lied. but why? you know i hate liars. but this time, i just cannot bring myself to hate you. can someone just tell me what is going on with me!?

i feel so lost so lonely so hurt. if only you knew what i was going through. i need an explanation before i can close this chapter. i'm sorry for everything. can you just tell me what happened in the past few months? i don't even know why you are putting all the blame for everything unto me. am i just your punching bag?

have you forgotten your promise? what you said really meant nothing to you? but why? months ago you sounded so serious about it and despite everything you still said you mean it. but now? everything is shattered. even though i said i'll move on, but i still can't stop thinking about everything. i can't do it. you did it. you made me change. because of you, i no longer believe anyone. every of their words feel so emotionless.

at times, i just hope you will find this blog and read this post. but i know it is impossible. i just want you to know how i feel. but i guess you have moved on so i'll just have to forget about everything and carry on with life. good luck with life. hope you will get what you want. if i happen to see you again, i will not be how i am now. i will not let you see the tears.

P.S. don't ask me anything about this. i am really not in a good mood. i'm still crying. "can't stop the rain by cascada" fits my mood.

sian-ed

2006-10-02T22:34:00.000+08:00

so sleepy nowadays... most of mi frenz oso become panda le... dis life is stressful... haiz... bleah.

nth ta write le... nowadaes not slp den is study le... so sian.. haiz

` fuck ``~//

2006-09-08T18:23:00.000+08:00

this fucking life is so damn fucked up. how i wish that i can get out of this fucking life as soon as possible. i realised that she so fuckingly hates me. what the fuck. no one asked her to like me. she can don't give a fucking shit about my stupid fucked up life. who gives a fuck about this kind of fucking life. fuck. i think the only fuckingly important person to her is him. then don't tell me you love me and all the fucking shit. no one gives a shit. just leave me and this stupidly screwed up life alone. this fucking world is so damn fucked up. i just hope the whole fucking world can just fuckingly disappear. fuck.

crazi mi.//

2006-09-02T22:54:00.000+08:00

daes r borin... haiz... i think im dead... i dun feel myself animore... lyk smth in me changed???

jay's mean! =P sae msg den nv... still pian wo... bleah. but overall he's still kinda okie la... wateva.. n i didnt expected him ta side ******* but he did... wat de... de world's fallin... ah... run fer cover!!! lol. LAME. =x

i think im reali crazi. oh ya... ani1 wanna go nyjc wif mi on 13 oct??? deir open hse... hu wanna go lemme noe k? thx.. = )

wtf.

2006-08-18T15:53:00.000+08:00

this will be the end of the nice me... you step into the wrong dimension. forget it. my revenge i will take. i'll just move on. i swear to make you regret. don't let me ever see you again. just admit it. you are too AFRAID to face this world. you are nothing but a coward. just don't be so fucked up you poor little thing. soon, you will be all alone with your own little secrets. by that time, no one will know who the fucking hell you are. just don't come crying at that time. oops. i think by that time you won't be crying. you will think of dying already. oh ya. a piece of advice, don't slit your wrist. it doesn't work. and by the way, whatever threats you pose upfront, it will no longer work. want to know why? because i no longer give a damn about you. you can rot and die and i don't care. who wants to know what the fuck happened these few months? it's not even my problem. just end things here. even if you die or not, it no longer has any effect on the world. you are just going to increase the population of hell.

i feel so weird...

2006-07-19T18:17:00.000+08:00

i guess life's like this. i am so confused... what should i do? some don't believe i will do it but i have to... i have no time for this.

i decided. if it is meant to be, then in the end, it will still be... i decided to let time speak for itself. if things are meant to be, nothing will cause it to turn out the opposite of what is planned. as much as i can't do it, i have to. learn how to let go and get it back when the opportunity comes...

i guess, there is still much for me to learn... i'll just have to cheer up and do my best.

ganbatte. you can do it... =P jia you!

*fixing a broken heart by indecent obsession is nice... try listening to it... =D

life...

2006-07-18T19:19:00.000+08:00

life's a bore recently... too many things happened... i don't even know what to do and where to turn... why are things the way they are? if only i can make time stop and i am the only one still moving, i'll sort out this life of mine instead of being the way i am now.

i finally got hold of what people mean when they say that life itself is not easy. to be who you are and still allowing the world to accept you is never easy. everyone has different thinking. no one is right, at the same time, no one is wrong. it's just about having different perspective of things. but how then is one able to be who they are and still be fine and live with life the way it is? i guess this is something i'll have to figure out...

there is two sides to everything. life still has to continue no matter which route i choose to walk... i can take the easier route which will provide me with what i need for a short period of time, or take the tougher route which will help me to learn and mature in the process. so why not walk the tougher route and be a different person. why choose the easier route which only leads to distruction??? however, it will never be easy. whatever you do, there is a price to pay. i guess this is what makes humans humans. there are too many things in life which we spend our days searching for the answer. albeit we will never understand. that is what makes life difficult.

life is such so i think we should just learn to live with it and stop complaining. =x humans should learn to not be complacent.

half wae ta freedom...

2006-07-06T19:16:00.000+08:00

yeah!!! finally... the chinese o level oral is OVER! i have successfully lifted another burden off my shoulders... phew...
i think my blog almost died. sorry bloggie... well, life's a bore still... as usual... today called jj and talked about the oral... den he said will come back to see me get results... haiz. stressed sia... but he will most probably forget anyway. =P he's an old and forgetful man... bleah
it suddenly feels that being in school is so stressful. i can't catch up. especially additional mathematics. the unit on vectors. haiz. the school should be more organised. every teacher seems to be rushing. we are on the losing end. haiz. i don't want to go to school anymore. *sobs*
end of a fairytale...

sobx sobx

2006-06-01T22:12:00.000+08:00

he left fer good le... haiz... sobx sobx. came ta spore fer sooo long den now tel mi not comin back... den mi lei? bu guan wo le arh? bb... mus rmb ta miss mi worx. =x

haiz... qns will start agn i think... ' hu is he ah? ' y ppl so kpo de?
oh ya... ros was saein i become les... aniwae i think if become les oso gd ma... gals usuali understand each other beta... LoL. but im not... yet... hehe. =P =x i think ppl mus b thinkin wat's wrong wif mi rite? i dunno loh... i goin siao le ba... hu ask him go... haiz... nvm... find new person ta lemme bully veri ez de... oops...

i think he shld b back hm le ba... *stares into space* wonder how's juan jie... hehe. help mi ta ask juan jie how is she k??? hehe. thx. ~! rmb dis? u beta not ferget... or else i sure go find u de... ~~! bleah! =P

-_-zzZZ

2006-05-06T23:51:00.000+08:00

sianz loh... dun even noe wat ta blog le... sch exams sux... faster over lei... few more daes... ta b precise is 5... LoL. wat sia... i nid a life... argh!!! so tired... thanks ta de stupid idea of an EXAM! wat de... dat's de most dumb word eva... LoL. bleah. =P

nitez peeps... gonna die le... not literal though... = )

watchin i not stupid 2... gd or bad???

2006-05-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

wat de... i finali got ta watch de show... kinda late though... but hu cares... den is lyk mi dad ask all of us ta go n tok... i thot finali dat it wld b a simple summary... but hell...

i mean isnt it rite dat kids wan deir parents ta spend tym wif dem... i startin tok bout it seriousli... but afta awhile i oso gif up... is lyk even though i sae smth he will still sae dat de kids r at fault... its true but hu reali noe how i feel???

no one reali understands... izzit wrong ta cry? how do u wan mi ta tel u everithin wen i cant even relate ta u... -.- all u bother is work... i noe dat studyin is easier dan workin... but de thin now is dat i hv de whole hell of stuffs in mi mind... i m not sum1 ordinary... dun u get it? i rather u ppl not tel mi anithin... de more i noe de more i worry... now, mi histroy of self-abuse is known by so mani ppl... even de last secret i wanna kip oso got ppl noe... wtf lah... sumtyms i reali feel so wateva oso no one noe... is lyk how can i share these kinda thins? even mi mum whom i trust de most oso gimme de feelin dat she dun understand at tyms... parents n children jus dun click... it might jus b due ta generation gap... it takes two hands ta clap... even if im willin, do u ppl hv de tym? i noe dat hvin de tym not necessarily mean dat thins will work out... dat dere will b understandin... but do u ppl even try? wen we nid tym, do u ppl gif it ta us? but wen u ppl nid tym u expect us ta gif it ta u... plz practice wat u preach... if u cant do it den dun sae it... do wat u wan others done unto u... de barrier or wall dat we children hv is a result of all de thins dat hv happened in our lives... u wanna break it, it will nv b easi...

sori peeps fer dis long n borin entry... = ( *feelin a lil bad*

wat m i ta do now dat everithin is jus comin back?

2006-04-28T23:24:00.000+08:00

2 yrs le... y suddenli agn? i m sum1 hu nv gif a 2nd chance... u noe dat... haiz... as much as i wan ta, i cant... sori...
i was walkin hm afta goin out wif de 2 ladies... den saw him... is lyk so shockin la... den ask mi ta spare sum tym... so in de end went over loh... but is lyk so mani thins happened out of a sudden... dat few hrs felt lyk mins... had fun laughin n crappin n stuffs... but den wen he slept, still look lyk a lil babi... i guess sum thins jus nv change... LoL.
i suddenli feel so confused... wat m i ta do? i wan out but at de same tym in... but he's goin back soon aniwae... his parents wan him back... wat ta do? cant believe in de 2 yrs become so guai... LoL. still as gentle though... hehe. =x too mani thins i wanna sae but i rather keep dem as memories... hehe. fer ppl hu happen ta read dis, plz dun ask mi hu he is. i wun sae de. =P
aniwaes, i think thins will still remain ba... miss u so much... hehe. i noe those r not de words u wanna hear... but smth else... i wun sae it de... its jus dis wae... bleah. xoxo.

nitez peeps. *floatin in dreamland*

y m i suddenli filled wif rage?

2006-04-19T21:55:00.000+08:00

i dun feel lyk tokin ta u... jus get outta mi life okie? wtf? cant i not repli? cant i not ans? y r u controllin mi life? at first u said u'll gimme freedom... but now? it's all jus a pack of lies... wtf.
this fucking life is so damn fucked up. what the fuck? i dont need ani of this fucking shit. get the fuck out. no one gives a fucking damn.
i nv lyk ppl controllin. i do thins fer no reason. cant i listen to techno? ur prob ah? i dun feel lyk tokin ta u ur prob ah? is i dun feel lyk or u dun feel lyk? i dun eat cannot ah? nid ur permission izzit? wat de fuck.

??? wat wen wrong???

2006-04-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

todae might jus b one of de worst daes in mi life...
i spent de whole dae in front of de com doin wat? a stupid bio mindmap. wtf. y bother askin de class ta do a mindmap wen ppl lyk mi dun use it... wat's de pnt den? ta waste our tym?
i feel so sick la... my hands r cold n mi whole body is freakingly hot. n now, my world is literally spinning. i am taking so long just to type out a word. hate dis feeling. i feel so weak... i jus hope dat dere's sum1 right here right now ta help mi...
i think i beta stop writin le... i dun even now how ta continue in dis condition. everithin is jus spinnin.

life sux!

2006-04-11T18:47:00.000+08:00

dunno y i jus feel dat dis world's in a mess all over agn... is lyk wtf. fer sum reason or another, i jus dun feel lyk doin anithin... kinda goin back ta de sucidal mood agn... nth in dis life is real i guess... dere r thins dat cum n go but few stay... i jus feel dat im all alone in dis big world wif no one ard...
mani thins happened recentli... i dun even noe wat's goin on... first it was jan n so soon it became april... n now de o's r comin... cant i hv a break of even a dae... i jus nid tym awae frm dis world... ta sumwhere where dere's no probs or wat so eva... i jus wanna get out of mi life... nowadaes i've been appearin quite hapi... but dis is not de real mi... i dun even noe y m i doin all de thins dat im doin... it jus seems as if sum1 has taken over control of mi...
i feel lyk dyin... life seems so meaningless now... i jus hope dat i hv de courage ta die... i jus feel lyk endin dis life once n fer all... HELP! i eva once promised mi frenz dat i wun ever think of committin sucide eva agn but now it jus seems dat it is back... mi life is jus ruined lyk dat? y mus it b mi? i nid ta get outta dis... is lyk tym n tym agn i feel dis... wen will it eva stop? wat is de cause of it? its happenin ta mi but yet i dun even noe a single thin bout it... i m reali sick n tired of dis kinda life... will sum1 jus help mi outta here? i dunno wat's goin on all over agn... i reali nid a long long rest frm everithin... i jus dun feel lyk wakin up... does dis alwaes happen wen i try ta face reality?

dotz. de math competition made mi brain-drained. LoL.

2006-04-05T20:31:00.000+08:00

de math comp todae was lyk damn sucky la... is lyk de ri ppl were super hao lian loh... sae de qns so damn easi n said ppl were stupid ta gif those kinda qn... den is lyk within 10 secs dey can finish solvin a qn... so pro loh... but den dere mus b sum stupid idiots hu r so proud. too bad loh... den is lyk one of de qns even came out in deir past exam papers. n dey lyk noe everithin la. i think dey lyk finish de whole AM txtbk wen dey r sec 2 or 3 loh... wat de... i sit behind dem is lyk quite stunned n oso fed-up... cos dis guy was lyk givin all sorts of stupid comments... is lyk i noe he ri la... but still, dun so proud can... haiz... dunno la... so tried frm de comp. os lyk i dun even noe how ta do most, infact, allmost all of de qn loh... haiz... de ppl reali damn smart sia... wat can i sae... mayb is cos i stupid loh... =x

i think im crazi

2006-04-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

this is gonna b one of de crazi entries im havin...

haiz... mi dream guy... LoL. he mus b sum1 hu cares bout mi, romantic, noes how ta cheer mi up, full of surprises, hv 6 packs??? (i alreadi said its mi dream guy...), showers mi wif lurve, takes de initiative n jus spend tym wif mi... LoL. all dis sounds so dreamy... if ever i can find a guy lyk dat, i'll reali ai si ta... not literally though. hehe

actuali, i jus feel lyk saein all dis... dunno y... haha. bleah =P

its all history.

2006-04-01T20:50:00.000+08:00

i cant believe it. all u bother bout is ur work. wat bout mi? its over. it can jus nv b. u dun care bout mi do u. wateva. in dat case, jus leave mi alone. i dun understand y r u doin dis ta mi. is lyk all dat u've said, dun dey mean a thin? i dun nid sum1 hu can sweet talk but i nid sum1 hu's action is louder dan words. thins can jus nv b rite? dun bother. i noe u will nv b able ta read dis blog unless u sumhow or other find mi bloggie. dat's y i can write all i wan. but i noe dat if u find out, i think most prob u will hate mi fer life. but i cant b bothered.
i jus dun think u will ever rmb mi. everitym i sae dun nid ta cal u reali take mi words seriousli. dis is how well u noe mi rite? see? here's de prob. u jus dunno mi well enuf. wtf. i cant b bothered le la. u jus dun mean wat u sae. u alwaes sae smth but yet dun fufill it. den wats de pt of saein it rite? i jus dunno wat u think. i will nv understand rite? wateva la. i m too tired ta care.
everi1 noe dat i dun mean wat i sae most of de tym. i m not a direct person. its not diff ta cheer mi up or make mi feel touched. i actuali wan de simplest thin in de simplest wae. i m not ordinary but yet ordinary in a wae. y is it dat u jus dun seem ta understand wat i m tryin ta sae? i m too tired ta sae anithin n i dun wanna do animore thins. its all up ta u alreadi. dun even hope fer mi ta hint u animore. frm now on, everithin will b on u. i dun wanna do anithin animore. i m all messed up cos of u. i hate it wen dis happens.

de LiL pRinCeSs is all alone in de land of loneliness... can sum1 jus take mi awae???

i am not going to bother anymore.

2006-03-31T23:12:00.000+08:00

i dunno y but dese few daes has been super super bad... haiz... blah blah blah. the main pt? i am going to give up already. i cant be bothered liao.
how well do u exactli noe mi? wtf. i think im askin a stupid qn la. obviousli u dun noe mi well. duh. wait a min. y shld i even bother sia? is not lyk wateva loh.
dere r so mani thins dat i dun lyk but wat's de pt of saein? i will b changin u... i think dere's jus no pt. we r too far apart le. rmb bout de thins i said? yar. it jus seems dat dere's no change. i dun wan u ta change jus cos i dun lyk it but i wan u ta change cos u wan ta. is lyk startin u so nice. den now? u die le ah? wat happen ta all dat u sae? dis is y i sae i feel insecure. u alwaes sae thins but ur jus unable ta do it. im jus not dat simple a gal. i dun wan wat normal ppl wan.
seriousli, do wateva u wan la. i cant b bothered le. i cant control u wat. u shld noe how ta think le la. n i dun lyk ppl ta force mi. fer goodness sake, stop saein dat im fierce. u nv see mi fierce b4 loh. i jus dun lyk it wen ppl dun keep to deir words. n of u wanna smoke, fine. go ahead. everi1 is askin mi ta ask u ta quit. but hu m i ta u? it's okie la. i cant b bothered le. if u wanna continue ta smoke den go ahead loh. if u think dat by not smokin in front of mi n smoke socially behind mi back is considered quittin, den fine. go ahead. by all means.
i told nic le loh. is lyk u dun even noe mi well. wat rites do u hv ta dae wat u sae ta mi? if u can sae dat means u r supposed ta noe mi well. n i jus hate it wen ppl concentrate on deir work n dun reali bother bout mi. is ur work more impt dan i? if it is den okie loh. i reali got nth ta sae liao le. actuali, i oso dunno wat's wrong wif mi. wo hen hao wan nong meh? y is everi1 doin dis ta mi? i had enuf of it fer once le loh. i thot u were serious wen ros sae all dat. she told mi not ta play n stuffs. fine. i didnt. but now? i even told jun dat i'll gif u a chance. but i think i'll hv ta think bout all dat i've said all over agn.
i m feelin so luan. if i hadnt promise ta quit drinkin, i will b goin tml le. but den i think cos of de long term effect of alcohol i beta not go le la. i reali dunno wat ta do loh. i think i'll jus ferget bout everithin. i wun bother ta take mi revenge cos dis tym i reali cant b bothered. i shall jus leave it as it is le.

some things in life will just never come true. this is why living in fantasy is better than living in reality.

i had it liao la!

2006-03-22T18:45:00.000+08:00

he can just go and die! i mean it loh. one thing i hate most is for people to lie. what is he trying to do? want to lie to mi? okay. fine. i never did trust what you say anyway. let the game start.
don't play? i won't. but this does not mean i will not take my revenge. everyone or rather my close friends knows that if they hurt me they will have to pay the price lah. if this is what i mean to you and that you think its okay to lie to me then fine. who bothers. i won't be cold or whatever. i will be normal. and trust me. this revenge i will take.
lets see who will win at the end. so what if you have people to back you up? its none of my business. you are serious? over my dead body. its okay. i still have the whole lot of time to play. i will have it my way in the end. just you wait and see.
this price you will pay. even if it costs me my life.